How do you text someone you like?
Suaviq · checked · 6 sources
The short answer
Write the full sentence you mean, because the other person cannot hear your tone. Answer what they asked, then add one thing they can reply to, like a detail or a question of your own. Say it in one message instead of six. When you want to meet, name a day and a place. In experiments by Kruger and colleagues, people overestimated how well their tone came across in writing.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you a 1:05 video and 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
Why do your texts come across wrong?
When you type a message, you hear your own tone in your head. The person reading it hears their own tone instead, and theirs is usually flatter. A short “ok” that felt friendly to you can read as cold to them.
In five experiments, Kruger, Epley, Parker and Ng found that people overestimated how well their sarcasm, seriousness or humor would come across in an email. The study used email in 2005, before messaging apps. The cause still applies: you hear your own tone and assume the reader hears it too.
Before you send anything that matters, read it back once in the most unfriendly voice you can imagine. This is our own habit, borrowed from editors, and no study tests it. It helps you find the one sentence that could be taken the wrong way.
What should you text to keep the conversation going?
Answer their question first, then add one thing they can reply to. If they ask how your weekend was, say what you did and add a detail or a question: “I went hiking and got lost for an hour. Do you ever go out of the city?” A reply that only answers the question gives them nothing to continue with.
Huang and colleagues found that asking questions, and follow-up questions most of all, made people more liked. Their studies used live chats and speed dates, not text messages, so treat this as a useful direction. It still makes sense to ask about the thing they just told you.
When you write something warm, let it stand without a joke at the end. The joke protects you, and it also tells them you did not fully mean the warm part. Bruk, Scholl and Bless found that people judged their own acts of vulnerability more harshly than others judged the same acts. Their studies looked at confessions and apologies, not compliments.
How fast should you reply, and how much should you send?
We know of no study on reply times and liking, so this part is our own view. When you reply late, just reply, without an explanation nobody asked for. An apology turns the delay into the subject and asks them to reassure you.
Say it in one message, not a burst of six. A row of notifications can look anxious whatever the words say, and it takes away their choice about when to answer. If what you want to say needs six messages, it probably needs a call.
When should you call instead of texting?
Move to a voice note or a call when the subject is sensitive, when you disagree, or when three messages in a row have made things worse. Text carries information well, and it carries intention badly. When your intention matters more, use your voice.
Schroeder, Kardas and Epley found that when people heard an opinion they disagreed with, they judged the speaker as more thoughtful and more human than when they read the same words. The study tested disagreements about politics and society between strangers. Applying it to a text argument with someone you are dating is our own step.
If they misread your tone, do not write a long defense of what you meant. Say it again, plainly and warmly, or call them.
How do you ask someone out over text?
Put a day and a place in the message. Nobody can answer “We should do something sometime,” but they can answer “Do you want to get coffee at Rosa's on Thursday after work?” Flynn and Lake found that people underestimated by as much as half how often others would agree to a direct, specific request. Their study looked at requests for help, not invitations, so it points in a direction and proves nothing about a date.
End the conversation on purpose with a warm closing line, instead of letting it fade out. Kahneman and colleagues found that people mostly remember the strongest moment of an experience and how it ended. Their studies used short lab episodes of pain and pleasure, not conversations.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from the The Written Voice topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
Say the whole thing
Send the sentence you really meant, not the shortest version of it. A few more words cost less than being misunderstood.
A very short message seems cold. You hear the tone in your head, but the reader adds their own, and theirs is flatter.
Research. In five experiments, people overestimated how well their tone (sarcasm, seriousness or humor) would be understood in an email. They were confident of being understood much more often than they actually were. Kruger, Epley, Parker & Ng (2005)
Step 2
Answer what they asked, then add one thing
Answer their question first. Then add one thing they can reply to: a detail, an opinion or a question of your own.
A reply that only answers the question ends the conversation. One extra thing gives them a way to continue.
Research. Asking questions, and follow-up questions most of all, made people more liked by the person they were talking to, in chat studies and in speed dating. Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)
Step 3
Read it back as if they disliked you
Before you send anything sensitive, read it once more in the most unfriendly voice you can imagine.
An unclear message does not stay neutral. The reader understands it according to the mood they are already in. This is the easiest way to find the sentence that will be taken the wrong way.
Our opinion. This is our own view. It is an editor's habit, not a research finding. The study beside it shows that people are overconfident. It does not test this particular fix.
Step 4
Stop apologizing for the gap
When you reply late, simply reply. Do not start with an explanation that nobody asked for.
An apology turns the delay into the subject and asks them to reassure you. A warm answer does more than an account of where you were.
Our opinion. This is our own view. We know of no study on reply times and liking. We only observe that an apology moves the conversation onto your anxiety.
Step 5
One message, not six
Say it in one message. If it needs six messages, it needs a call.
A burst of messages looks anxious, whatever the messages say. It also takes away their choice about when to reply.
Our opinion. This is our own view, and it is good manners, not evidence. It rests on the same point as the rest of the topic: the reader decides the tone, and six notifications decide it for them.
Step 6
Write the last message you would want
End a conversation on purpose, with a warm closing line. Do not let it fade out.
People mostly remember how a conversation ended, and most written conversations end by slowly fading out.
Research. When people look back on an experience, they mostly remember its strongest moment and how it ended. How long it lasted hardly matters. Fredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993)
Step 7
Let the compliment stand
Send the warm message without a joke at the end.
The joke protects you. It also tells them that you did not fully mean the warm part.
Research. People judged their own acts of vulnerability more harshly than others judged the same acts. This is called the beautiful mess effect. Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018)
Step 8
Name a time, not sometime
When you suggest meeting, put a day and a place in the message.
Nobody can answer “We should do something”. They can answer a day and a place.
Research. In lab and field studies, people underestimated, by as much as half, how likely others were to agree to a direct and specific request. Flynn & Lake (2008)
Step 9
Move it to a voice
When a message is sensitive, or you disagree, or you have exchanged three messages and it is getting worse, say it out loud. Send a voice note or call.
Text is good at carrying information and bad at carrying intention. When your intention matters more than the information, text is the wrong choice.
Research. When people heard an opinion they disagreed with, they judged the speaker as more thoughtful, more reasonable and more human than when they read the same words. Schroeder, Kardas & Epley (2017)
Step 10
Do not litigate tone
If they misunderstand your tone, do not explain the message. Say it again, plainly and warmly, or call.
Explaining a message defends you. Saying it again helps them.
Research. When people heard a view and did not read it, the person holding it seemed more thoughtful and more human. Schroeder, Kardas & Epley (2017)
Sign up free with your email. Watch the lesson, then try the first exercise with real people, and come back to say how it went.
Common questions
How often should you text someone you like?
No study gives a right number of messages, so this is our own view. Send one message at a time and let them choose when to answer. A burst of several messages in a row can look anxious, whatever they say. If you have a lot to say, call them.
Should you double text someone?
One follow-up message is fine if it gives them something new to reply to, like a question or a plan with a day and a place. A string of messages asking why they have not replied puts pressure on them. This is our own view, and no study tests reply habits and liking.
Should I apologize for replying late?
Usually not. Reply warmly to what they said, without a long explanation of where you were. In our experience, an apology makes the delay the subject and asks the other person to reassure you. This is our own view, and we know of no study on reply times.
Is it better to text or call someone you like?
Text works well for plans and small talk. For anything sensitive, or when you disagree, use your voice. Schroeder, Kardas and Epley found that people judged a speaker as more thoughtful and more human when they heard an opinion instead of reading it. That study used strangers disagreeing about politics and society.
Sources
- Kruger, Epley, Parker & Ng (2005). Egocentrism Over E-Mail: Can We Communicate as Well as We Think?.
- Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017). It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking.
- Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018). Beautiful Mess Effect: Self–Other Differences in Evaluation of Showing Vulnerability.
- Schroeder, Kardas & Epley (2017). The Humanizing Voice: Speech Reveals, and Text Conceals, a More Thoughtful Mind in the Midst of Disagreement.
- Flynn & Lake (2008). If You Need Help, Just Ask: Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help.
- Fredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993). Duration Neglect in Retrospective Evaluations of Affective Episodes; When More Pain Is Preferred to Less.