What should you do when someone doesn't text back?
Suaviq · checked · 5 sources
The short answer
Wait, and do not read the silence as a verdict. A slow reply has no fixed meaning, and people tend to fill it with their own worries. After at least three days, you can send one follow-up with something new in it, such as a plan or a link. If replies keep getting shorter and never ask anything back for two weeks, take that as a no and stop.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
What does it mean when someone doesn't text back?
Usually you cannot tell. A text strips out tone, timing and a face, and leaves you a thread you can reread as often as you like. So you fill in the missing signal yourself, and when you are anxious, you fill in the worst one.
Kalman and Rafaeli asked managers to judge job candidates who answered an email after a day, after two weeks, or never. The managers read the same delay differently depending on what they already thought of the candidate. That study was about work email, but it shows that the reader gives a delay its meaning.
So when a reply is slow, write down three ordinary reasons before you allow yourself one that is about you. They are at work, they are asleep, their phone is in a bag. Then notice which reason you believed first.
Should you double text if they don't reply?
Once, after at least three days, and only with something new: a link, something that happened to you, or a plan. A second message with news carries the conversation on. A second message that asks about the first one is a request for reassurance, and they will read it that way.
After that one follow-up, send nothing more, whatever you feel. No study we found sets a number of follow-ups, so this is our own rule. It keeps you from becoming the person in their story who would not stop.
The message you want to send at 1am, the one that asks what you did wrong, should go somewhere you cannot send it from. Write it in a note, read it again at noon, and leave it there.
How do you stop checking your phone while you wait?
After you send a message that matters, put your phone in a different room for ninety minutes. Face down on the table is not enough. When the phone is out of reach, you cannot reread the thread, and rereading is where you invent the worst story.
The ninety minutes and the other room are our own idea. What research does show is that the replaying is common and hard to stop. In a questionnaire study by Rachman and colleagues, people kept going over stressful social events afterwards, and the replaying was linked to social anxiety and to avoiding similar situations later.
How can you tell if they are not interested?
Look at the direction, not one message. Short, warm replies that arrive late usually mean a busy week. Replies that get shorter, never ask you anything and never mention meeting mean no. A busy person still asks you a question, and two weeks is enough to tell the difference. This test is our own, not a study.
If you have been chatting for a while and never met, ask. Send “Are you around Thursday or the weekend?” and, after they answer, one line with a place and a time. Flynn and Lake found that people underestimated, by as much as half, how often others say yes to a direct request. Their study was about requests for help, not invitations.
When should you stop texting someone?
After three months of silence, choose one of two things. Either send one message with a real reason, such as something you saw or a place they wanted to try, or delete the thread. Keeping it so that you can reread it keeps the hurt open.
Boothby and colleagues found that after a conversation, people often underestimate how much the other person liked them, which is a reason one honest message is worth sending. It does not mean the silence was never an answer. Sometimes it was, and then you delete the thread.
If you are the one who has gone quiet, send one line within the week: “I have enjoyed this and I am not going to take it further. Thank you.” In studies of thank-you letters, Kumar and Epley found that writers expected the other person to feel more awkward than they did. We borrow only that part: you probably expect this message to be more awkward than it will be.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from the The Unanswered Message topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
The delay tells you nothing
When a reply is slow, write down three ordinary reasons before you allow yourself one that is about you: work, sleep, a phone in a bag. Then notice which reason you believed first.
You are not reading the delay. You are reading your own opinion of yourself into it.
Research. Managers judged job candidates who answered an email after a day, after two weeks, or never. They read the same delay differently depending on what they already thought of the candidate. The pause got its meaning from the reader's existing opinion. Kalman & Rafaeli (2011)
Step 2
Park it in your note
The message you want to send at 1am, the one that asks what you did wrong, goes into Your note on the Tonight page. Read it at noon. It stays there, and you never send it.
That message is not really for them. It asks them to manage your feelings about the silence, and nobody has ever answered it well.
Research. After stressful social events, people replayed them again and again and found it hard to stop. The replaying was linked to social anxiety (about r = .40) and to avoiding similar situations afterwards. Rachman, Grüter-Andrew & Shafran (2000)
Step 3
Shorter than theirs
Make your reply as long as theirs or shorter. If they sent two lines, send two or one. Never send three times what they wrote.
A long message asks them to write a long reply. People put that job off and then forget it. A short message is easy to answer now.
Our opinion. This is our own view. We know of no study on message length and reply rates. We observe that people put off a reply when it takes effort, and length decides the effort.
Step 4
Phone in another room
After you send a message that matters, put your phone in a different room for ninety minutes. Face down on the table is not enough. It must be out of reach.
A phone lying face down is still a question in front of you. When it is out of the room, you cannot reread the thread, and rereading is where you invent the worst story.
Our opinion. This is our own view. The closest study observed 100 pairs having ten-minute conversations. Pairs with a phone on the table or in a hand rated the conversation lower and reported less empathy than pairs with no phone in sight. Misra, Cheng, Genevie & Yuan (2014)
Step 5
Double-text once, with news
Send one follow-up message, after at least three days, with something real and new in it: a link, something that happened, or a plan. After that, send nothing more, whatever you feel.
A second message with new information continues the conversation. A second message that asks about the first one is a request for reassurance, and they will read it that way.
Our opinion. This is our own view. No study we found sets a number of follow-ups. One follow-up with news is our rule, and it keeps you from becoming someone's story about being pressured.
Step 6
A no versus a busy week
Use one test. Short, warm replies that arrive late mean a busy week. Replies that get shorter, never ask anything back and never mention meeting mean no. Two weeks is enough to tell.
How much they write changes from day to day and means little. The direction of the change is what matters. A busy person still asks you a question. A person who has decided does not.
Our opinion. This is our own view. The closest study is about speech. Shorter gaps between turns went with how connected friends and strangers felt, and people listening from outside could judge the connection from the gaps alone. Templeton, Chang, Reynolds, Cone LeBeaumont & Wheatley (2022)
Step 7
Text to plan, two messages
First message: “Are you around Thursday or the weekend?” Second message, after they answer: a place, a time, one line. Do not send a third message about arrangements.
When a chat never leads to a meeting, the problem is not the connection between you. Nobody asked. Two messages are enough to ask, and enough to hear a no.
Research. In lab and field studies, people underestimated, by as much as half, how likely others were to say yes to a direct and specific request. Flynn & Lake (2008)
Step 8
When you are the silence
If you have stopped replying and know that you will not start again, send one line within the week: “I have enjoyed this and I am not going to take it further. Thank you.” Then stop.
You know exactly how much an unexplained silence hurts. This whole topic is about not doing that to someone else because it is easier.
Research. People who wrote letters of thanks overestimated how awkward the other person would feel. They underestimated how surprised and how pleased the person would be. Kumar & Epley (2018)
Step 9
Re-contact, or delete
After three months of silence, either send one message with a real reason, such as something you saw or a place they said they wanted to try, or delete the thread. Decide today which one. Do not do both, and do not do neither.
If you keep a thread so that you can reread it, you keep the hurt open yourself. Sending one more message is an ending, and so is deleting. Keeping the thread is the only choice that is not an ending.
Research. After conversations, people regularly underestimated how much the other person had liked them. Among first-year students getting to know their roommates, the gap lasted several months. Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018)
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Common questions
How long should you wait for a text back?
Give it at least three days before you send anything else. A delay can have ordinary causes like work, sleep or a phone left in a bag. If you send a follow-up, make it one message with something new in it, then wait again. Two weeks of short replies with no questions usually means no.
Is it bad to double text?
One follow-up with news in it is fine. A second message that asks why they have not answered is a request for reassurance, and it puts pressure on them. After one follow-up, stop. This is our own rule, since no study we know of sets a number.
Why does a slow reply make me so anxious?
A text gives you no tone or face to read, so you fill in the gap yourself. In one study, managers read the same email delay differently depending on what they already thought of the sender. When you are worried about how you came across, you tend to read the delay as bad news.
Should you text someone who ghosted you?
After a long silence, you have two clean choices. Send one message with a real reason, such as something that reminded you of them, or delete the thread. Do not keep the thread to reread. If they do not answer that one message, take the silence as your answer.
Sources
- Kalman & Rafaeli (2011). Online Pauses and Silence: Chronemic Expectancy Violations in Written Computer-Mediated Communication.
- Rachman, Grüter-Andrew & Shafran (2000). Post-Event Processing in Social Anxiety.
- Flynn & Lake (2008). If You Need Help, Just Ask: Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help.
- Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018). The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?.
- Kumar & Epley (2018). Undervaluing Gratitude: Expressers Misunderstand the Consequences of Showing Appreciation.