How do you keep a conversation going?
Suaviq · checked · 5 sources
The short answer
Ask a second question about the same subject before you talk about yourself. Listen for a specific word they use, like a town or a band, and ask about that word. Ask why they chose something, not only what it is. When the conversation goes quiet, count to three before you speak. Huang and colleagues found that people who asked follow-up questions were liked more by the person they talked to.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you a 2:22 video and 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
Why do conversations run out after a few questions?
Most conversations stall because each person asks one question, hears the answer and changes the subject. You ask where they work, they tell you, and you move on to the weather. Each new subject starts from zero, so you keep having to find the next one.
You can fix this by staying on one subject longer. Huang and colleagues studied online chats and speed dates between people meeting for the first time. They found that follow-up questions, more than questions in general, made people more liked. Follow-up questions were also the kind people asked most, so you already know how to ask them and only need to do it on purpose.
What should you ask after the first question?
Ask a second question about the same thing before you say anything about yourself. If they say they just got back from Lisbon, ask what they did there, and then ask what surprised them. Two questions on one subject show that you care about the answer.
In our experience, the best follow-up uses a specific word they said. Listen for a name, a place or a band, and ask about that word. If they mention their sister's wedding, ask about the sister. A general question can sound as if you were waiting for your turn to talk.
When someone tells you what they do, ask how they got there and what they nearly did instead. A job title closes the subject, while the story behind it tells you what they care about. You might worry that a deeper question will feel too personal. In experiments by Kardas, Kumar and Epley, people expected deep conversations with strangers to feel more awkward than they turned out to be.
What do you do when the conversation goes quiet?
Count to three before you speak, and watch what the other person does with the pause. A silence of a few seconds feels long to you. To them it is usually just a pause.
Clark and Wells, whose model has shaped the treatment of social anxiety, explain why. Anxious people judge how they come across by how they feel inside, and they pay less attention to how others react. Their model was written about diagnosed social anxiety, and Suaviq is practice, not therapy. The idea still helps on an ordinary nervous evening.
If you want to break the silence, go back to something they said earlier. “You said the wedding was in Porto. Had you been there before?” Do not point out that you remembered. Just ask.
How do you keep it from feeling like an interview?
A string of questions can start to feel like a job interview, so give something back. Tell one short story about your week, about forty seconds long, and then stop. In our experience, people ask to hear more when a story is short.
Say one honest opinion without polishing it, and do not add a joke to soften it. You may fear that this makes you look weak. Bruk, Scholl and Bless found that people judged their own moments of openness more harshly than the same moments in others, which they saw as courage. Most of their studies asked people to imagine the situation.
Gentle teasing helps too, if you tease someone about a thing they are proud of, like a record collection or how much they know about trains. Never tease someone about something they feel insecure about. This is our own rule, and no study tests it.
When should you end the conversation?
End it while it is still going well, before you both run out of things to say. Kahneman and colleagues found that when people look back on an experience, they mostly remember its strongest moment and how it ended. How long it lasted hardly mattered.
Their studies used short episodes of pain and pleasure in a lab, so applying them to conversation is our own step. In our experience, leaving at a good moment makes the next conversation with that person easier to start.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from the Conversation Craft topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
The second question
In one conversation today, ask a second question about the same subject before you say anything about yourself.
A first question is only polite. The second question shows that you are really interested.
Research. Follow-up questions, not questions in general, were what made people more liked. They were also the most common kind of question people asked. So you do not need to learn a new move. You need to do this one on purpose. Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)
Step 2
Listen for the noun
Listen for a specific word they use, like the name of a town, a band or their sister. Ask about that word, not the general subject.
Asking about a specific word proves you were listening. A general question suggests you were only waiting for your turn to speak.
Our opinion. This is our own technique, not a research finding. It gives the follow-up question from exercise 01 something specific to ask about.
Step 3
Ask about the choice, not the fact
When someone tells you what they do, ask why they chose it: how they got there, and what they nearly did instead.
A fact ends the subject. A choice leads to a story, and to what the person cares about.
Research. In a series of experiments, conversations went better than people predicted. People especially overestimated how awkward a deep conversation would be compared with a shallow one. Kardas, Kumar & Epley (2022)
Step 4
The callback
Bring up something they said twenty minutes earlier. Do not point out that you remembered it.
It is an easy and clear way to show you were paying attention. It also makes the conversation feel like it has a history.
Research. Researchers call it perceived responsiveness: the feeling that someone pays attention to who you really are and values it. It is the main idea behind research on closeness in relationships, and it is linked to people's well-being. Reis, Clark & Holmes (2004)
Step 5
Let three seconds pass
When the conversation goes silent, count to three before you speak. Notice what they do with the pause.
The silence that makes you panic feels like a normal pause to the other person.
Clinical practice. Socially anxious people judge how they are coming across by how they feel inside, not by how others react. That is why a pause feels terrible to you and ordinary to everyone else. Clark & Wells (1995)
Step 6
Forty-second story
Tell one story about your week in forty seconds. Time yourself beforehand if you need to.
When a story is short, people ask to hear more.
Our opinion. This is our own view, not a research finding. Treat forty seconds as a useful limit, not a law.
Step 7
Say the less-charming true thing
Give one honest opinion today without polishing it. Do not follow it with a joke to soften it.
If you only ever say what people like to hear, nobody gets to know the real you.
Research. People judged their own moments of vulnerability more harshly than the same moments in other people. In others, they saw them as courage, not weakness. Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018)
Step 8
Tease the thing they are proud of
Tease someone gently about something they are proud of, like a collection, a hobby or how much they know about a subject. Never tease them about something they are insecure about.
Teasing someone about a strength is a hidden compliment. Teasing them about a weakness is cruel, and they will remember it.
Our opinion. This is our own judgment and a rule we choose to keep, not a research result. Research on humor exists, but none of it supports a rule this specific.
Step 9
Close on the upswing
End the conversation while it is going well. Do not wait until you both run out of things to say.
People remember how a conversation ended. If you leave at a good moment, that is the memory they keep.
Research. When people look back on an experience, they mostly remember its strongest moment and how it ended. How long it lasted hardly matters. Fredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993)
Sign up free with your email. Watch the lesson, then try the first exercise with real people, and come back to say how it went.
Common questions
What are good follow-up questions to ask?
Ask about the specific thing they just said. If they say they run on weekends, ask where they run or how they started. “What happened next?”, “How did you get into that?” and “What did you nearly do instead?” fit almost any answer, and each one keeps you on their subject for one more turn.
How do I stop a conversation from feeling one-sided?
After a couple of questions, give something of your own: a short story, an honest opinion or a small detail about your week. Keep your part short so they have room to ask about it. If you notice you have been talking for a while, hand the conversation back with a question.
Is it okay to give a compliment to keep the conversation going?
Yes, if you compliment something they chose, like their jacket, their coffee order or a point they just made. A compliment like that is about who they are, and it gives them something to talk about. This is our own view, and no study backs it.
What if I cannot think of anything to say?
Go back to something they mentioned earlier and ask one more question about it. You do not need a new subject. A short pause is fine too. It feels longer to you than it looks to them, because nerves make you judge the moment by how you feel inside.
Sources
- Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017). It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking.
- Kardas, Kumar & Epley (2022). Overly Shallow?: Miscalibrated Expectations Create a Barrier to Deeper Conversation.
- Clark & Wells (1995). A Cognitive Model of Social Phobia.
- Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018). Beautiful Mess Effect: Self–Other Differences in Evaluation of Showing Vulnerability.
- Fredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993). Duration Neglect in Retrospective Evaluations of Affective Episodes; When More Pain Is Preferred to Less.