Topic 11
FreeThe Written Voice
Every other topic here is about meeting face to face. This one is about screens, where most conversations now begin. The problem is practical, not romantic. You hear your own tone as you type, and the reader cannot. The warmth you think you sent does not arrive.
This topic
10 exercises
Next: Say the whole thing
The main idea
They cannot hear you. Put the warmth into words, or use your voice.
Evidence in this topic
7 Research3 Our opinionSay the whole thing
DifficultySend the sentence you really meant, not the shortest version of it. A few more words cost less than being misunderstood.
Why this helps: A very short message seems cold. You hear the tone in your head, but the reader adds their own, and theirs is flatter.
ResearchKruger, Epley, Parker & Ng (2005)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
In five experiments, people overestimated how well their tone (sarcasm, seriousness or humour) would be understood in an email. They were confident of being understood much more often than they actually were.
For this exercise: The study used email in 2005, not messaging apps. What still applies is the cause: you hear your own tone and assume the reader hears it too.
Read it back as if they disliked you
DifficultyBefore you send anything sensitive, read it once more in the most unfriendly voice you can imagine.
Why this helps: An unclear message does not stay neutral. The reader understands it according to the mood they are already in. This is the easiest way to find the sentence that will be taken the wrong way.
Our opinionRead our note ▾Hide ▴
This is our own view. It is an editor's habit, not a research finding. The study beside it shows that people are overconfident. It does not test this particular fix.
Move it to a voice
DifficultyWhen a message is sensitive, or you disagree, or you have exchanged three messages and it is getting worse, say it out loud. Send a voice note or call.
Why this helps: Text is good at carrying information and bad at carrying intention. When your intention matters more than the information, text is the wrong choice.
ResearchSchroeder, Kardas & Epley (2017)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
When people heard an opinion they disagreed with, they judged the speaker as more thoughtful, more reasonable and more human than when they read the same words.
Limits of the study: The study used political and social disagreements between strangers, given as prepared arguments. It did not study a text argument with someone you are dating.
For this exercise: The study tested political and social disagreements between strangers, not a text argument with someone you are dating.
Answer what they asked, then add one thing
DifficultyAnswer their question first. Then add one thing they can reply to: a detail, an opinion or a question of your own.
Why this helps: A reply that only answers the question ends the conversation. One extra thing gives them a way to continue.
ResearchHuang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Asking questions, and follow-up questions most of all, made people more liked by the person they were talking to, in chat studies and in speed dating.
Limits of the study: The studies were online chats and speed dates between people meeting for the first time. They did not test people who already know each other well.
For this exercise: The studies used live conversation, not messaging. The result points in a useful direction, but it is not proof.
Stop apologising for the gap
DifficultyWhen you reply late, simply reply. Do not start with an explanation that nobody asked for.
Why this helps: An apology turns the delay into the subject and asks them to reassure you. A warm answer does more than an account of where you were.
Our opinionRead our note ▾Hide ▴
This is our own view. We know of no study on reply times and liking. We only observe that an apology moves the conversation onto your anxiety.
One message, not six
DifficultySay it in one message. If it needs six messages, it needs a call.
Why this helps: A burst of messages looks anxious, whatever the messages say. It also takes away their choice about when to reply.
Our opinionRead our note ▾Hide ▴
This is our own view, and it is good manners, not evidence. It rests on the same point as the rest of the topic: the reader decides the tone, and six notifications decide it for them.
Name a time, not sometime
DifficultyWhen you suggest meeting, put a day and a place in the message.
Why this helps: Nobody can answer “We should do something”. They can answer a day and a place.
ResearchFlynn & Lake (2008)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
In lab and field studies, people underestimated, by as much as half, how likely others were to agree to a direct and specific request.
Limits of the study: The requests were for help, such as directions, borrowing a phone or a favour. They were not invitations. The result held across those settings, but the study says nothing about asking somebody out.
For this exercise: The study looked at requests for help, not invitations. The result points in a useful direction, but it is not proof.
Let the compliment stand
DifficultySend the warm message without a joke at the end.
Why this helps: The joke protects you. It also tells them that you did not fully mean the warm part.
ResearchBruk, Scholl & Bless (2018)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
People judged their own acts of vulnerability more harshly than others judged the same acts. This is called the beautiful mess effect.
Limits of the study: Most of the studies asked people to imagine situations, not to live them. They measured how differently people judge the same act in themselves and in others. They did not test whether being vulnerable improves a relationship.
For this exercise: The studies measured confessions and apologies, not compliments, and mostly asked people to imagine situations.
Do not litigate tone
DifficultyIf they misunderstand your tone, do not explain the message. Say it again, plainly and warmly, or call.
Why this helps: Explaining a message defends you. Saying it again helps them.
ResearchSchroeder, Kardas & Epley (2017)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
When people heard a view and did not read it, the person holding it seemed more thoughtful and more human.
Limits of the study: The study used political and social disagreements between strangers, given as prepared arguments. It did not study a text argument with someone you are dating.
For this exercise: This was again a study of disagreement between strangers. Applying it to a misunderstood text is our own step.
Write the last message you would want
DifficultyEnd a conversation on purpose, with a warm closing line. Do not let it fade out.
Why this helps: People mostly remember how a conversation ended, and most written conversations end by slowly fading out.
ResearchFredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
When people look back on an experience, they mostly remember its strongest moment and how it ended. How long it lasted hardly matters.
Limits of the study: The studies used lab episodes of pain and pleasure that lasted minutes. Applying them to conversations, evenings and relationships is our own step.
For this exercise: The studies used episodes of pain and pleasure in a lab, not conversations. They point in a direction. They do not give a rule about messaging.
Sources cited in this topic
- 01Kruger, Epley, Parker & Ng (2005). Egocentrism Over E-Mail: Can We Communicate as Well as We Think?. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 89(6).
- 02Schroeder, Kardas & Epley (2017). The Humanizing Voice: Speech Reveals, and Text Conceals, a More Thoughtful Mind in the Midst of Disagreement. Psychological Science, 28(12).
- 03Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017). It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3).
- 04Flynn & Lake (2008). If You Need Help, Just Ask: Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(1).
- 05Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018). Beautiful Mess Effect: Self–Other Differences in Evaluation of Showing Vulnerability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(2).
- 06Fredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993). Duration Neglect in Retrospective Evaluations of Affective Episodes; When More Pain Is Preferred to Less. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 65(1); Psychological Science, 4(6).
Where an exercise is labelled our reading, no study backs it. We say so openly.
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