What are the best first date tips?
Suaviq · checked · 8 sources
The short answer
Pick a quiet place where you can sit side by side and leave after ninety minutes. Have one drink fewer than you want. Spend the first ten minutes asking about their day, then ask follow-up questions about the words they use. End at the time you planned, while it is still going well, and if you want to see them again, say so in one plain sentence before you part.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
Where should you go on a first date?
Choose a place where you can sit at a corner or side by side, where you can hear a low voice, and that you can leave easily after ninety minutes. A walk or two seats at a bar counter work better than a table for two. Sitting face to face can feel like a job interview, and a shared view gives you both somewhere else to look. This is our own view, not a research finding.
Decide before you leave home how many drinks you will have, and make it one fewer than you would like. Order water with the first one. Steele and Josephs reviewed lab experiments on drinking and argued that alcohol calms people by narrowing their attention to whatever is closest. On a date, you want your attention wide enough to notice the person across from you.
How do you calm down before a first date?
On the way there, say “I'm excited” out loud once. In a lab study by Brooks, people about to sing karaoke who said this performed better than people who said they were anxious or calm. Their anxiety did not fall, but their excitement rose. Nerves and excitement feel alike in your body, and you can change the name you give the feeling.
When you arrive, spend the first ten minutes asking about their day and their journey. Do not try to be interesting yet. Asking questions keeps you talking while your pulse slows down, and it gives them an easy start too.
What should you talk about on a first date?
Ask follow-up questions, each about a word they used. If they mention a hard week at work, ask what made it hard. In a speed-dating study of about a thousand four-minute dates, Huang and colleagues found that people who asked more follow-up questions were offered more second dates. Set a target of five over the evening and count them on your fingers under the table.
When a silence comes, say the first ordinary, true thing, even “I'm trying to think of a decent question.” Templeton and colleagues found that the faster people replied to each other in conversation, the more connected both felt. The gaps they measured were fractions of a second, so the lesson is to answer plainly and not to polish your reply.
Once, before the food arrives, try saying “I was nervous about tonight” and then stop. Bruk and colleagues found that people judge their own moments of openness more harshly than other people do, and observers often see them as brave. Most of those studies asked people to imagine a situation, so treat this as a likely result, not a sure one.
How do you know if you can hold their hand?
Ask. “Can I hold your hand?” does not spoil the mood. If you prefer not to ask, touch the back of their hand once for two seconds and take your hand away. What they do next is their answer.
This is our rule, not a research finding. The touch studies that dating books quote are mostly about waiters and tips, or about couples who are already together. Any move that makes it hard for the other person to say no is a technique used on them, and we do not teach it.
How should a first date end?
Leave at the time you set, even if it is going well. When people look back on an experience, they mostly remember its strongest moment and how it ended, and the length hardly matters. Kahneman and colleagues found this with short lab episodes, so applying it to a date is our own step. Say “I have to head off, and I've really liked this.”
If you want to see them again, say “I'd like to do this again” before you part, then stop talking and let them answer. Boothby and colleagues found that after talking with someone new, people often underestimate how much the other person liked them. The next morning, send one message before noon that mentions one thing from the evening. Then put your phone down. Replaying the date for hours tends to go with avoiding the next one, according to a study of people with social anxiety by Rachman and colleagues.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from the The First Date topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
Pick a place that helps
Choose a place where you can sit at a corner or side by side, where it is quiet enough to hear a low voice, and that you can easily leave after ninety minutes. A walk or a seat at a bar counter works better than a table for two.
Sitting face to face across a table feels like an interview. When you share a view, you both have somewhere to look other than at each other.
Our opinion. This is our own view, not a study. The research on seating that we know of is about workplaces and waiting rooms, and we prefer to say so than to stretch it.
Step 2
Set the drink limit
Before you leave home, decide how many drinks you will have, and make it one fewer than you would like. Order water with the first drink and drink it at the same pace.
A drink does calm you. It does so by narrowing your attention to whatever is closest. On a date, the thing you most need to notice is the other person.
Research. The authors reviewed experiments on drinking. They argue that alcohol affects social behavior by weakening attention, so that the nearest signal controls what you do. This explains why alcohol reduces anxiety when something distracts you, and why it makes people misjudge a situation. Steele & Josephs (1990)
Step 3
The first ten minutes
On the way there, say “I'm excited” out loud once. When you arrive, spend the first ten minutes asking about their day and their journey. Do not try to be interesting yet.
Nerves and excitement feel the same in your body. The name you give the feeling is the only part you can change in a minute. Asking questions keeps you talking while your pulse slows down.
Research. In a lab study, 113 people were about to sing karaoke to a stranger. Those told to say “I am excited” scored 80% on the game's accuracy measure. Those told to say “I am anxious” scored 53%. The other groups, who said they were calm, angry or sad, or said nothing, scored about 69%. The anxiety people reported did not fall, but the excitement they reported rose. Brooks (2014)
Step 4
Say the plain thing
When the first silence comes, do not wait for a clever line. Say the first ordinary, true thing. “I'm trying to think of a decent question” is fine. Let it be ordinary.
A quick, plain reply feels like connection. A slow, polished one feels like effort. The silence is only awkward while you are both trying to impress each other by ending it.
Research. In conversations between strangers and between friends, the faster people replied to each other, the more connected both felt. People listening from outside also judged the same clips as more connected when the replies were quicker. Templeton, Chang, Reynolds, Cone LeBeaumont & Wheatley (2022)
Step 5
Five follow-ups, counted
Before you sit down, set a target of five follow-up questions over the evening, each about a word they used. Count them on your fingers under the table.
On a first date, a follow-up question is the only visible proof that you listened. A target number still works when your nerve goes.
Research. In a speed-dating study of 110 people and about a thousand four-minute dates, people who asked more follow-up questions were offered more second dates. In the chat studies, follow-up questions were the kind of question that made people more liked. Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)
Step 6
Admit the nerves
Once, before the food arrives, say it out loud: “I was nervous about tonight.” Stop there. Do not add a joke, and do not explain.
You see your own openness as weakness. The person opposite you mostly sees it as courage. The difference is in your head, not in the room.
Research. In seven studies, people judged their own acts of vulnerability, such as admitting a mistake or confessing feelings first, more harshly than observers judged the same act in someone else. Observers tended to see it as brave and attractive. Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018)
Step 7
The touch question
If you want to hold their hand, ask: “Can I hold your hand?” Asking does not spoil the mood. If you prefer not to ask, touch the back of their hand once for two seconds, then take your hand away. What they do next is their answer.
Whether you ask or make a small gesture they can easily refuse, they can say no without it costing them anything. Anything that makes it hard to refuse is a technique used on a person.
Our opinion. This is our rule, not a research finding. The studies on touch that dating books quote are mostly about waiters and tips, or about established couples. The most cited author on touch and persuasion, Nicolas Guéguen, had five papers withdrawn in 2025, and two of them were about touch. We teach nothing from that research.
Step 8
End at the time you set
Leave after the ninety minutes you chose in exercise 01, even if it is going well, and especially then. “I have to head off, and I've really liked this.” Do not order a third round to see what happens.
People remember the best moment of an evening and its last ten minutes. Extra length adds almost nothing, and you cannot choose the ending once you stop watching for it.
Research. When people looked back on an experience, they mostly remembered its strongest moment and how it ended. How long it lasted hardly mattered. Fredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993)
Step 9
One sentence at the door
If you want to see them again, say so in one sentence before you part: “I'd like to do this again.” Do not say “we should do something sometime.” Then stop talking and let them answer.
A vague ending protects you from a no. It also protects you from a yes. The other person is guessing too, and is probably guessing too low.
Research. In five studies, after talking with someone new, people regularly underestimated how much the other person liked them and enjoyed their company. This is the liking gap. In one group of new roommates it lasted for several months. Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018)
Step 10
The next morning
Send one message before noon. Mention one specific thing from the evening, and repeat the invitation if you meant it. Then put your phone down. If they do not reply, use the Rejection Room. It will ask you again in two days.
Replaying the evening moment by moment makes you avoid the next date. One message completes your part. The Rejection Room handles the silence.
Research. In a questionnaire study, replaying an embarrassing social event afterwards was common and hard to stop. It was linked to social anxiety (r = .40) and to avoiding similar situations later. Rachman, Grüter-Andrew & Shafran (2000)
Sign up free with your email. Try the first exercise with real people, and come back to say how it went.
Common questions
How long should a first date last?
Plan for about ninety minutes and leave on time, even if it is going well. People tend to remember the best moment of an experience and how it ended more than how long it lasted. Ending while you are both enjoying it gives you a good last memory and a reason to meet again.
Should you drink alcohol on a first date?
If you drink, decide your limit before you go and make it one fewer than you want. A review of lab studies argues that alcohol calms you by narrowing your attention to whatever is closest, which also makes people misjudge situations. Drink water at the same pace as your first drink.
Is it okay to say you are nervous on a first date?
Yes, once and briefly: “I was nervous about tonight.” Studies by Bruk and colleagues found that people judge their own openness more harshly than other people do, and observers often see it as brave. Do not add a joke or a long explanation. Say it and move on.
When should you text after a first date?
Send one message the next morning, before noon. Mention one specific thing from the evening, and repeat the invitation if you meant it. Then put your phone away. If they do not reply, you have still done your part, and checking the thread again will not change the answer.
Sources
- Steele & Josephs (1990). Alcohol Myopia: Its Prized and Dangerous Effects.
- Brooks (2014). Get Excited: Reappraising Pre-Performance Anxiety as Excitement.
- Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017). It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking.
- Templeton, Chang, Reynolds, Cone LeBeaumont & Wheatley (2022). Fast Response Times Signal Social Connection in Conversation.
- Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018). Beautiful Mess Effect: Self–Other Differences in Evaluation of Showing Vulnerability.
- Fredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993). Duration Neglect in Retrospective Evaluations of Affective Episodes; When More Pain Is Preferred to Less.
- Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018). The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?.
- Rachman, Grüter-Andrew & Shafran (2000). Post-Event Processing in Social Anxiety.