If You Need Help, Just Ask: Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help
Flynn & Lake (2008) · Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(1)
Relied on in 11 places across the academy · 8 stated limits
What it found
Across lab and field studies, people underestimated — by as much as half — how likely others were to say yes to a direct, specific request.
People systematically underestimate how willing strangers are to say yes to a direct request, in part because they overweigh the effort involved and underweigh the social awkwardness of refusing.
People underestimate — by up to half — how likely others are to say yes to a direct, specific request.
People underestimated compliance with direct requests by as much as 50%, which means asking often fails in the most instructive way: they say yes.
What it does not show
Requests for help — directions, a phone, a favour — not invitations. The underestimate is robust across those settings; nothing in it is about asking somebody out.
And where we carry it further
The requests studied were for help and favours, not for someone's company. We are extending the finding, not reporting it.
Again: requests for help, not for a date. The direction is suggestive, not proof.
The requests studied were for help and small favours — not discounts, and not contact details. We are extending the finding, not reporting it.
The requests studied were favours between strangers, not fees or contracts. We extend the direction of the bias, not the numbers.
Requests for help, not invitations. The direction is suggestive, not proof.
Requests for help and favours between strangers, not invitations. We are extending the finding, and we say so.
Requests for help, not for a date. The direction is suggestive, not proof.
Requests for help rather than invitations. The direction is suggestive, not proof.
Where we rely on it
11 places in the academy. If this paper turned out to be wrong, this is the list that would have to change. Some of the instructions below are part of Gold; none of the findings are.
In the curriculum · 7
07 — The time-bounded invitation
Topic 01 · First Contact10 — Ask for a recommendation
Topic 04 · Out of the Friendzone04 — Ask for something specific
Topic 05 · Rejection Immunity02 — Collect one no on purpose
Topic 10 · The Monroe Method09 — Ask for the real number
Topic 11 · The Written Voice07 — Name a time, not sometime
Topic 18 · The Unanswered Message08 — Text to plan, two messages
In the films · 2
Cited alongside it
Papers that sit under the same topics and films. Not a claim that they agree with each other — only that the same exercises lean on both.
A Cognitive Model of Social Phobia
Clark & Wells (1995)It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking
Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)Post-Event Processing in Social Anxiety
Rachman, Grüter-Andrew & Shafran (2000)Pupil Dilation as an Index of Preferred Mutual Gaze Duration
Binetti, Harrison, Coutrot, Johnston & Mareschal (2016)The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?
Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018)Beautiful Mess Effect: Self–Other Differences in Evaluation of Showing Vulnerability
Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018)Research
A real study. We tell you what it found, how many people were in it, and what it can't prove.
Free to read, link to and quote. If we have carried this paper further than it goes, say so at contact@suaviq.com — corrections to this registry are the most useful mail we get.