How do you get over rejection?
Suaviq · checked · 7 sources
The short answer
Name the thinking pattern behind the hurt, such as mind reading or catastrophizing, within an hour. Tell one friend what happened in plain words. Then try again with someone new within a day, because waiting makes the next try harder. Rachman and colleagues found that people who kept replaying a social event afterwards were more likely to avoid similar situations later. Getting over a rejection means recovering faster, and you can still care about it.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you a 1:04 video and 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
Why does rejection hurt for so long?
The moment of a no usually lasts a few seconds. The replaying afterwards can last a week. You go over what you said, what their face did and what they must think of you now.
Rachman, Grüter-Andrew and Shafran asked people about real social events afterwards. Those who kept going over an event were more likely to avoid similar situations later, and the avoiding spread to other situations too. The people in the study were chosen for social anxiety, and the study does not show that stopping the replaying removes the distress.
You also tend to think more people noticed than really did. Gilovich, Medvec and Savitsky had students wear an embarrassing T-shirt into a room. The students guessed that about half the room would notice it, and about a quarter did.
How do you stop replaying it in your head?
Within an hour of the moment, name the thinking pattern behind the hurt. The common ones are mind reading, the spotlight, catastrophizing, fortune telling and taking it personally. Once you give the thought a name, you can see it as a habit of thought instead of the truth.
Clark and Wells describe finding and testing negative thoughts about social situations as a central part of cognitive therapy for social anxiety. Their paper is a theory written about diagnosed social anxiety, and we apply it to ordinary shyness. Suaviq is practice, not therapy. If a rejection stays with you for weeks and affects your sleep or work, talk to a doctor or a therapist.
Two more tools help. Ask yourself how many seconds of their evening the moment took, and how many hours of yours it has taken. Then write down what a friend who loves you would say about it, and read it twice.
Should you talk to someone about it?
Yes. Describe the rejection out loud to one friend, in plain words, without turning it into a joke. Most of these stories sound ordinary once you say them to another person.
You may worry that admitting it makes you look weak. Bruk, Scholl and Bless found that people judged their own moments of vulnerability much more harshly than others judged them. Other people tended to see the same moments as courage. Most of their studies asked people to imagine a situation.
When should you try again after being rejected?
Try again with someone new within twenty-four hours. The longer you wait, the more room the replaying has to grow. A small, low-stakes approach is enough, like asking someone in a shop for a recommendation.
Before you try, write down exactly what you expect to happen and rate your fear from one to five. Afterwards, write down what really happened. Craske and colleagues describe exposure as working best when it proves a specific prediction wrong. Their paper was written for therapy with a clinician, and using it on your own is our own step.
Two days later, rate the same memory again and compare the numbers. Boothby and colleagues found in five studies that people underestimated how much the person they talked to liked them. So the number you give yourself in the moment is not a measurement.
Can you get used to rejection?
You can make a no feel smaller by collecting some on purpose. Ask for something small that will probably be refused, like a discount or an upgrade. You will often find that people say yes. Flynn and Lake found that people underestimated by as much as 50% how often others agree to a direct request.
Set yourself a target of three refusals this week, and count each no as progress. The popular rejection challenges online are stories and do not count as evidence. The part with clinical support is the prediction you write down first and the review you do afterwards.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from the Rejection Immunity topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
Write the prediction first
Before you approach someone, write down exactly what you expect to happen, and rate your fear from one to five. Afterwards, write down what really happened.
The difference between the two is the whole lesson. You cannot see it unless you write down both.
Clinical practice. Exposure works best when it proves a specific prediction wrong. You state what you expect and then test it. This works better than simply carrying on until the anxiety fades. Craske, Treanor, Conway, Zbozinek & Vervliet (2014)
Step 2
Name the distortion within the hour
After anything that hurt, name the thinking pattern behind it: mind reading, the spotlight, catastrophising, fortune telling or taking it personally.
Once you name the pattern, it stops feeling like the truth. It becomes a habit of thought that you happen to have.
Clinical practice. Finding and testing your negative thoughts about social situations is a central part of cognitive therapy for social anxiety. That therapy has the strongest evidence of any psychological treatment for it. Clark & Wells (1995)
Step 3
The four-second audit
Ask yourself how many seconds of their evening the moment took. Then ask how many hours of yours it has taken.
The size of that difference is not evidence that it went badly. It is the illusion.
Research. Students who wore an embarrassing T-shirt guessed that about half the room would notice it. About a quarter did. In a second study they guessed that 48% of people could say who was on the shirt. Only 8% could. Gilovich, Medvec & Savitsky (2000)
Step 4
Re-rate at forty-eight hours
Two days later, rate the same memory again. Compare it with the number you wrote at the time.
You are collecting your own evidence that your prediction was wrong.
Research. In five studies, people underestimated how much the person they talked to liked them. This is called the liking gap. The number you give yourself in the moment is not a measurement. Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018)
Step 5
Tell one person
Describe a rejection out loud to a friend, in plain words, without turning it into a joke.
Shame grows when you keep things private. Said out loud, most of these stories sound ordinary.
Research. People judge their own vulnerability much more harshly than others judge it. Other people usually see it as courage. Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018)
Step 6
Write the friend's version
Write down what a friend who loves you would say about last night. Read it twice.
You already know the fair version of the story. You are simply not the one telling it.
Clinical practice. Writing a second, fairer account is a standard technique in cognitive therapy. The aim is not comfort. The aim is to read the same facts a second way. Clark & Wells (1995)
Step 7
Collect one no on purpose
Ask for something small that will probably be refused, such as a discount, an upgrade or a favour.
When you go looking for a no, you learn that you can survive one.
Research. People underestimated by as much as 50% how often others agree to a direct request. So when you ask, the most common surprise is that they say yes. Flynn & Lake (2008)
Step 8
Do it badly on purpose
Approach someone with an opening line that is not polished. Let yourself stumble over it a little.
Wanting it to be perfect is the real reason you do not approach people.
Clinical practice. Dropping your safety behaviors on purpose, and practicing in different conditions, produces learning that lasts longer than doing the feared thing carefully. Craske, Treanor, Conway, Zbozinek & Vervliet (2014)
Step 9
Go again within a day
After an approach that went badly, approach someone new within twenty-four hours.
The danger is the waiting, not the bad moment.
Research. People who kept going over an event afterwards were more likely to avoid similar situations later. The avoiding spreads to other situations. The event itself does not. Rachman, Grüter-Andrew & Shafran (2000)
Step 10
Three noes this week
Set yourself a target number of refusals, not successes. Count every no as progress.
When the thing you fear counts as a point for you, you stop arranging your life to avoid it.
Clinical practice. What works is repeated and varied exposure, with a clear prediction to prove wrong. The target number is our own way of organizing it. Craske, Treanor, Conway, Zbozinek & Vervliet (2014)
Sign up free with your email. Watch the lesson, then try the first exercise with real people, and come back to say how it went.
Common questions
How long does it take to get over rejection?
No study gives a set number of days. You can shorten the replaying by naming the thought behind the hurt within an hour, telling one friend, and trying again within a day. Rachman and colleagues found that people who kept replaying a social event were more likely to avoid similar situations later.
Why do I keep thinking about a rejection?
Rachman and colleagues found that this kind of replaying went with more avoidance later and spread to other situations. Naming the thinking pattern, like mind reading or catastrophizing, helps you see the thought as a habit. Telling one friend in plain words helps too.
Does rejection therapy work?
The popular rejection challenges are stories, not evidence. The part with clinical support comes from exposure research: you write down what you expect to happen, you try it, and then you compare. Craske and colleagues describe exposure as working best when it proves a specific prediction wrong. Their work was written for therapy with a clinician.
Did other people notice when I was rejected?
Probably fewer than you think. In a study by Gilovich, Medvec and Savitsky, students wearing an embarrassing T-shirt guessed that about half the room would notice, and about a quarter did. The study used university students in arranged situations, and it measured how much observers noticed, not how much anyone should worry.
Sources
- Rachman, Grüter-Andrew & Shafran (2000). Post-Event Processing in Social Anxiety.
- Gilovich, Medvec & Savitsky (2000). The Spotlight Effect in Social Judgment.
- Clark & Wells (1995). A Cognitive Model of Social Phobia.
- Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018). Beautiful Mess Effect: Self–Other Differences in Evaluation of Showing Vulnerability.
- Craske, Treanor, Conway, Zbozinek & Vervliet (2014). Maximizing Exposure Therapy: An Inhibitory Learning Approach.
- Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018). The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?.
- Flynn & Lake (2008). If You Need Help, Just Ask: Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help.