How do you start a conversation with a stranger?
Suaviq · checked · 6 sources
The short answer
Talk about something you can both see, like the queue, the book they are holding or a broken machine, and end with a real question. Before you speak, decide that you will say one more sentence whatever they answer. Strangers say yes and enjoy talking far more often than nervous people expect, and the easiest way to get better is to practice small openings every day.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you a 2:22 video and 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
Why is it so hard to talk to a stranger?
Most people know roughly what they could say. The hard part is getting the first words out. When you are nervous, your attention turns inward: you watch your own face and voice and try to guess how you are coming across.
The leading model of social anxiety, from Clark and Wells, says that this self-watching is what keeps the fear going. When you monitor yourself, you perform worse and feel more judged. So the goal is not to find a perfect line. It is to put your attention on something outside you.
Do strangers actually want to be talked to?
More than you think. In nine experiments with more than 800 commuters, Epley and Schroeder told some people to talk to a stranger and others to sit alone. The people who talked enjoyed the journey more, even though another group had predicted the opposite.
People also say yes more often than we expect. In lab and field studies, Flynn and Lake found that people underestimated how often others would agree to a direct request, by as much as 50%. We think too much about what we are asking for, and forget how awkward it feels to say no.
What should you say first?
Open on the room, not the person. Say something about what you can both see: the book in their hand, the long queue, the dog on the train. It gives you a reason to speak that is not about them, and it gives both of you an easy way to end the chat if it goes nowhere.
Then ask a question. In two online chat studies and a speed-dating study of about a thousand four-minute dates, Huang and colleagues found that people who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were liked more. Questions show that you are listening.
If you have clearly walked over to talk to someone, you can say so: “This is a bit out of nowhere, but…” Saying the awkward part out loud usually makes it less awkward.
What about dating apps and work?
The same rule works in writing. On a dating app, mention one specific detail from their profile and ask one question they cannot answer with a single word. A detail shows you actually read it, and an open question gives them something to answer.
At work, the easiest opening is a small, clear invitation. Ask someone from another team for a coffee and say at the start that it will take ten minutes. A short, specific request is easy to say yes to, and people agree to direct requests more often than we predict.
How do you get better at it?
You do not get better by reading lines. You get better by doing very small versions of it until they stop feeling big. Start with something that cannot go wrong, like holding eye contact a moment longer, then say one unimportant sentence to a stranger, then ask someone for a recommendation.
End some conversations yourself while they are still going well. People mostly remember the strongest moment of an experience and how it ended, so leaving warmly is part of a good first conversation, not a failure of one.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from the First Contact topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
The two-beat look
Make eye contact with three people today. Each time, hold it about two seconds longer than feels comfortable, then look away calmly. You do not need to say anything.
You practice being noticed without having to speak. Nothing can go wrong, because there is nothing to say.
Research. Nearly 500 people were tested. On average they were comfortable with 3.3 seconds of eye contact, which is longer than most anxious people expect. Binetti, Harrison, Coutrot, Johnston & Mareschal (2016)
Step 2
One unnecessary sentence
Say one small, unimportant thing to a stranger today, about the queue, the weather or their dog. You are not trying to start a conversation, and it is fine if they say nothing back.
It gets you used to speaking out loud to strangers. Talking to a cashier or to someone in a lift counts.
Research. In nine experiments with more than 800 commuters, people who were told to talk to a stranger enjoyed the journey more than people who sat alone. Another group had predicted the opposite. Epley & Schroeder (2014)
Step 3
Open on the room, not the person
Start by talking about something you can both see: the book they are holding, the broken machine, the queue you are both in. Do not open with a comment about them.
Nerves make you focus on yourself. Talking about something nearby moves your attention outward, and it gives both of you an easy way to end the chat.
Clinical practice. The leading model of social anxiety says that watching yourself keeps the anxiety going. When you monitor how you are coming across, you perform worse and feel more judged. Clark & Wells (1995)
Step 4
Ask for a recommendation
Ask a stranger for a recommendation: what to order, read or see. Then ask one more question about their answer.
People like being asked for their opinion. The second question is what turns a quick exchange into a conversation.
Research. People consistently underestimate how willing strangers are to say yes to a direct request. They think too much about the effort they are asking for, and forget how awkward it feels to say no. Flynn & Lake (2008)
Step 5
Commit to the second sentence
Before you speak to someone, make yourself one promise: whatever they answer, you will say one more sentence. Do not prepare anything else.
Most conversations with a stranger end right after their first reply, not at your opening line. A second sentence gets you past that point.
Research. Two online chat studies with more than 600 people, and a speed-dating study with 110 people and about a thousand four-minute dates, found the same thing. People who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were liked more. Speed daters who asked more questions got more second dates. Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)
Step 6
Name the awkwardness
When you have clearly walked across a room to talk to someone, say so: “This is a bit out of nowhere, but…” Saying it out loud makes it less awkward.
Being honest relaxes people. Pretending you bumped into them by chance is a trick, and most people see through it.
Our opinion. This is our rule, not a research finding. We do not teach anything that only works if the other person does not know what you are doing.
Step 7
One specific thing, one open question
On a dating app, send a first message that mentions one detail from their profile and asks one question they cannot answer with a single word.
Showing that you read their profile works better than a clever line. A specific message cannot be copied and pasted to fifty people, and they know that.
Research. Asking questions made people more liked in every study. The authors' explanation is that questions show you are listening and that you care. Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)
Step 8
The time-bounded invitation
Invite someone from another team at work for a coffee. Say at the start that it will take ten minutes, so it is easy to say yes.
You show interest by inviting them to something small, not by announcing your feelings. It is easy for them to say yes, and easy to say no.
Research. In lab and field studies, people underestimated how often others would say yes to a direct request, by as much as 50%. Flynn & Lake (2008)
Step 9
Leave first, warmly
End three conversations yourself today while they are still going well. Say something like “I should get going, this was nice.”
Endings are the part most people dread. When you end the conversation yourself, the ending is in your hands.
Research. When people look back on an experience, they mostly remember its strongest moment and how it ended. How long it lasted hardly matters. Fredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993)
Sign up free with your email. Watch the lesson, then try the first exercise with real people, and come back to say how it went.
Common questions
What is a good first line to say to a stranger?
A comment about something you can both see, followed by a question. For example, in a café queue: “Do you know what is good here, or are we both guessing?” It is about the situation, not about them, so it is easy to answer and easy to leave.
What if they do not answer or seem annoyed?
Then you have still done the hard part, which was speaking. What the other person says back is outside your control. Say something friendly like “No worries,” and move on. Each try makes the next one easier.
How long should I hold eye contact?
In a study of nearly 500 people, Binetti and colleagues found that people were comfortable with about 3.3 seconds of eye contact on average, which is longer than most anxious people expect. Preferences varied a lot, and the faces were on a screen, not in a live conversation.
Sources
- Clark & Wells (1995). A Cognitive Model of Social Phobia.
- Epley & Schroeder (2014). Mistakenly Seeking Solitude.
- Flynn & Lake (2008). If You Need Help, Just Ask: Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help.
- Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017). It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking.
- Binetti, Harrison, Coutrot, Johnston & Mareschal (2016). Pupil Dilation as an Index of Preferred Mutual Gaze Duration.
- Fredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993). Duration Neglect in Retrospective Evaluations of Affective Episodes; When More Pain Is Preferred to Less.