How do you make friends as an adult?
Suaviq · checked · 9 sources
The short answer
Go back to the same weekly place so you keep seeing the same people. Talk more with people you already half know, and be the one who suggests a plan with a day and a place. In a study by Hall, people called someone a friend after roughly 80 to 100 hours together, and a close friend after more than 200. As an adult, those hours only happen when someone arranges them.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you a 2:24 video and 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
Why is it harder to make friends after school?
At school you sat next to the same people for hours every day, and friendships formed without any plan. After school, nobody arranges those hours for you. You meet someone you like at a party, and then you might not see them again for months.
Hall asked 355 adults who had recently moved, and then 112 first-year students, how many hours they had spent with new acquaintances. People called each other casual friends after about 40 to 60 hours, friends after 80 to 100 hours, and close friends after more than 200. Hours spent relaxing together counted for more than hours spent working together.
People estimated their own hours, and everyone in the study lived in the United States. The study shows that closer friends had spent more time together. It does not promise that spending the hours will make a particular person your friend.
Where can you meet people to become friends with?
Choose one thing that happens every week, such as a class, a running group or a market, and go at the same time for three weeks in a row. You cannot become friends with someone you see once. A weekly place lets you meet the same people again without arranging anything.
Back, Schmukle and Egloff gave 54 new students random seats on their first day. A year later, students who had sat next to each other or in the same row rated their friendship as stronger. This was one group of students at one German university, so it does not tell you how strong the effect is for adults.
Also look at the people you already half know, like a neighbor or someone from another team. In two studies by Sandstrom and Dunn, people reported better days when they talked more with acquaintances. The studies found a link, and they do not show that a chat will turn an acquaintance into a friend.
How do you turn an acquaintance into a friend?
After a conversation you enjoyed, send a message within two days. Mention one thing they said and suggest one next step: “You mentioned that café. Do you want to try it next week?” Boothby and colleagues found in five studies that people underestimated how much the person they talked to liked them. Your sense that it went only okay is a poor guide.
Make the invitation small and specific, with a time and a place. Nobody has to answer “We should meet up sometime,” so it never becomes a plan. Flynn and Lake found that people underestimated how often others would agree to a direct request, by as much as 50%. Their study looked at requests for help, so applying it to invitations is our own step.
What if you worry that people will not like you?
Before you meet someone new, tell yourself, “This person will probably like me,” then say hello first and smile. Stinson and colleagues found that people who expected to be accepted behaved more warmly, and warmer people were liked more. These were students meeting once in a lab, and saying the sentence to yourself is our own step.
Once you know someone a little, tell them one true thing that is a bit personal, such as a worry or a hope, and ask them a question of the same kind. In a study by Aron and colleagues, pairs of strangers who answered 36 questions that grew more personal felt closer than pairs who made small talk. They talked for 45 minutes in a lab, and the study does not show that the closeness lasted.
How do you keep a new friendship going?
Set up one small plan that repeats, like a walk every Sunday or dinner on the first Friday of the month. Invite two to four people and fix the next date before everyone leaves. We know of no study that tests this, but it follows from Hall's finding, and a repeating plan is the most reliable way we know to collect the hours.
Write to people you have lost touch with as well. In experiments with more than 5,900 people, Liu and colleagues found that people who sent a message guessed too low about how much the other person would appreciate it. An independent team repeated one experiment and found the same result, though the effect was small.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from the Making Friends topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
Count your hours
Choose one person you like but hardly know. Write down roughly how many hours you have spent together outside work or class. Then write down one way to add two hours this month.
When a friendship is slow, most people blame themselves. Often the only problem is that you have not spent enough time together yet, and you can plan time.
Research. Hall asked 355 adults who had recently moved, and then 112 first-year students, how many hours they had spent with new acquaintances. People called each other casual friends after about 40 to 60 hours, friends after 80 to 100 hours, and close friends after more than 200. Hours spent working together counted for less than hours spent relaxing together. Hall (2019)
Step 2
Go back to the same place
Choose one thing that happens every week, such as a class, a club, a running group or a market. Go three weeks in a row, at the same time, and say hello to one person each time.
You cannot become friends with someone you see once. When you keep going to the same place, you meet the same people again without having to arrange anything.
Research. On their first day, 54 new students were given seats at random. A year later, students who had sat next to each other, or in the same row, rated their friendship as stronger than students who had sat further apart. Back, Schmukle & Egloff (2008)
Step 3
Expect to be liked
Before you next meet someone new, tell yourself one sentence: “This person will probably like me.” Then be the first to say hello, and smile when you do.
When you expect people to reject you, you protect yourself by being a little cold, and people then respond to the coldness. When you expect them to like you, you are warmer without trying.
Research. People who expected to be accepted behaved more warmly when they met someone new, and warmer people were liked more. In a second study, the researchers made rejection seem less likely. People who usually expected the worst then became warmer, and they were liked more too. Stinson, Cameron, Wood, Gaucher & Holmes (2009)
Step 4
Talk to the people you half know
This week, say more than hello to three people you already see but never really talk to, such as a neighbor, someone from another team, or a person at the gym. Ask each of them one question.
New friends usually come from people you already half know. Each short chat also makes the next one easier.
Research. In two studies, people reported better days when they talked more with acquaintances, as opposed to close friends. This was true when comparing different people, and also when comparing the same person's different days. Sandstrom & Dunn (2014)
Step 5
Send the message you keep not sending
Choose one person you have lost touch with. Send them one short message today, such as “I saw this and thought of you. How are you?” Do not apologize for the silence.
You think a message after a long silence will be awkward or unwelcome. The other person mostly feels pleased that you thought of them.
Research. In a series of experiments with more than 5,900 people, the person who sent a message guessed how much it would be appreciated, and the person who received it said how much they appreciated it. Senders consistently guessed too low. The gap was larger when the message was a surprise. Liu, Rim, Min & Min (2022)
Step 6
Thank one person for one specific thing
Tell one person one specific thing you appreciate about them. Say exactly what they did and what it changed for you. You can say it in person or send it as a message.
Most people feel appreciation and never say it, because they expect it to be awkward. A specific thank-you is one of the few things people remember for years.
Research. People who wrote letters of thanks overestimated how awkward the other person would feel. They underestimated how surprised and how pleased the person would be. Kumar & Epley (2018)
Step 7
Follow up within two days
After a conversation you enjoyed, send a message within two days. Mention one thing they said, and suggest one next thing, such as “You mentioned that café. Shall we try it next week?”
After a good conversation, both people often wait for the other one to write, and then nobody does. One short message keeps the friendship moving.
Research. In five studies, people underestimated how much the person they talked to liked them. This is called the liking gap. The number you give yourself in the moment is not a measurement. Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018)
Step 8
Make a small, specific invitation
Invite one person to one thing, and give a time and a place: “I am going to the market on Saturday at ten. Do you want to come?” Ask once. If they cannot come, say “Another time,” and mean it.
“We should meet up sometime” never turns into a plan, because nobody has to answer it. A time and a place can be answered with yes or no, and most people say yes.
Research. In lab and field studies, people underestimated how often others would say yes to a direct request, by as much as 50%. Flynn & Lake (2008)
Step 9
Tell them something true
When you are alone with a newer friend, tell them one true thing that is a little personal, such as something you are worried about or something you are hoping for. Then ask them a question of the same kind.
People feel close when each of them shares a little more than last time and the other person responds kindly. If you only ever share safe things, you stay at the same distance.
Research. Pairs of strangers answered 36 questions that became more personal as they went on. Afterwards they felt closer than pairs who made small talk. Aron, Melinat, Aron, Vallone & Bator (1997)
Step 10
Start something that repeats
Set up one small thing that happens again and again, such as a walk every Sunday or dinner on the first Friday of the month. Invite two to four people, fix the next date before everyone leaves, and keep it going for three months.
One plan that repeats collects the hours for you. You invite people once, and after that the plan does the inviting.
Our opinion. This is our own judgment. We know of no study that tests whether organizing a regular plan makes friendships form faster. We take it from Hall's finding that friendship follows hours spent together, because a plan that repeats is the most reliable way we know to collect those hours.
Sign up free with your email. Watch the lesson, then try the first exercise with real people, and come back to say how it went.
Common questions
How many hours does it take to make a friend?
In Hall's study of adults who had moved and first-year students, people called someone a casual friend after about 40 to 60 hours together, a friend after 80 to 100, and a close friend after more than 200. People estimated their own hours, and the study did not promise that the hours alone create a friendship.
Is it weird to ask someone to be friends?
You do not need to ask it in those words. Invite them to one specific thing, with a day and a place, like a market on Saturday at ten. If they cannot come, say “Another time,” and mean it. A plain invitation is easier for the other person to answer than a vague one.
How do I reconnect with an old friend after a long silence?
Send one short message, such as “I saw this and thought of you. How are you?” Do not apologize for the silence. Liu and colleagues found that senders guessed too low about how much a message like this would be appreciated, and the gap was larger when the message came as a surprise.
Should I thank a new friend for something small?
Yes, if you can name exactly what they did and what it changed for you. Kumar and Epley found that people who wrote thank-you letters overestimated how awkward the other person would feel, and underestimated how pleased they would be. The letters went to people the writers already knew well.
Sources
- Hall (2019). How Many Hours Does It Take to Make a Friend?.
- Back, Schmukle & Egloff (2008). Becoming Friends by Chance.
- Sandstrom & Dunn (2014). Social Interactions and Well-Being: The Surprising Power of Weak Ties.
- Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018). The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?.
- Flynn & Lake (2008). If You Need Help, Just Ask: Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help.
- Stinson, Cameron, Wood, Gaucher & Holmes (2009). Deconstructing the “Reign of Error”: Interpersonal Warmth Explains the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Anticipated Acceptance.
- Aron, Melinat, Aron, Vallone & Bator (1997). The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness.
- Liu, Rim, Min & Min (2022). The Surprise of Reaching Out: Appreciated More Than We Think.
- Kumar & Epley (2018). Undervaluing Gratitude: Expressers Misunderstand the Consequences of Showing Appreciation.