Topic 01
FreeFirst Contact
Most people know what they could say. The hard part is getting the first words out. These ten exercises build the habit of speaking first. They start very easy and get harder.
This topic
10 exercises
Next: The two-beat look
The main idea
You succeed the moment you speak. What the other person says back is outside your control.
Evidence in this topic
7 Research1 Clinical practice2 Our opinionThe two-beat look
DifficultyMake eye contact with three people today. Each time, hold it about two seconds longer than feels comfortable, then look away calmly. You do not need to say anything.
Why this helps: You practise being noticed without having to speak. Nothing can go wrong, because there is nothing to say.
ResearchBinetti, Harrison, Coutrot, Johnston & Mareschal (2016)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Nearly 500 people were tested. On average they were comfortable with 3.3 seconds of eye contact, which is longer than most anxious people expect.
Limits of the study: The study used faces on a screen, not live conversation, and preferences varied a lot between people. 3.3 seconds is an average, not a target.
For this exercise: The study used faces on a screen, not live conversation, and people's preferences varied a lot.
One unnecessary sentence
DifficultySay one small, unimportant thing to a stranger today, about the queue, the weather or their dog. You are not trying to start a conversation, and it is fine if they say nothing back.
Why this helps: It gets you used to speaking out loud to strangers. Talking to a cashier or to someone in a lift counts.
ResearchEpley & Schroeder (2014)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
In nine experiments with more than 800 commuters, people who were told to talk to a stranger enjoyed the journey more than people who sat alone. Another group had predicted the opposite.
Limits of the study: The study was done with commuters on Chicago trains and buses. It did not test other cultures, other settings, or what happens when you do it repeatedly.
For this exercise: Most of it was done on trains and buses in Chicago. Nobody has tested whether it holds in other cultures.
Open on the room, not the person
DifficultyStart by talking about something you can both see: the book they are holding, the broken machine, the queue you are both in. Do not open with a comment about them.
Why this helps: Nerves make you focus on yourself. Talking about something nearby moves your attention outward, and it gives both of you an easy way to end the chat.
Clinical practiceClark & Wells (1995)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
The leading model of social anxiety says that watching yourself keeps the anxiety going. When you monitor how you are coming across, you perform worse and feel more judged.
Limits of the study: This is a theory, not an experiment. It summarises what clinicians saw, and it has shaped the treatment of social anxiety ever since. The paper does not test each part of the theory separately. It was written about diagnosed social phobia, and we apply it to ordinary shyness.
Daylight, no pretext
DifficultyTalk to someone in a quiet daytime place like a shop, a park or a bookshop. Pick somewhere with no loud music. You do not need an excuse to speak.
Why this helps: People in these places do not expect to be approached, so they are relaxed. It feels riskier than a bar, but in our experience it goes better.
Our opinionRead our note ▾Hide ▴
This is our own observation, not a study. If you have data that says otherwise, please tell us.
Name the awkwardness
DifficultyWhen you have clearly walked across a room to talk to someone, say so: “This is a bit out of nowhere, but…” Saying it out loud makes it less awkward.
Why this helps: Being honest relaxes people. Pretending you bumped into them by chance is a trick, and most people see through it.
Our opinionRead our note ▾Hide ▴
This is our rule, not a research finding. We do not teach anything that only works if the other person does not know what you are doing.
Commit to the second sentence
DifficultyBefore you speak to someone, make yourself one promise: whatever they answer, you will say one more sentence. Do not prepare anything else.
Why this helps: Most conversations with a stranger end right after their first reply, not at your opening line. A second sentence gets you past that point.
ResearchHuang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Two online chat studies with more than 600 people, and a speed-dating study with 110 people and about a thousand four-minute dates, found the same thing. People who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were liked more. Speed daters who asked more questions got more second dates.
Limits of the study: The studies were online chats and speed dates between people meeting for the first time. They did not test people who already know each other well.
The time-bounded invitation
DifficultyInvite someone from another team at work for a coffee. Say at the start that it will take ten minutes, so it is easy to say yes.
Why this helps: You show interest by inviting them to something small, not by announcing your feelings. It is easy for them to say yes, and easy to say no.
ResearchFlynn & Lake (2008)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
In lab and field studies, people underestimated how often others would say yes to a direct request, by as much as 50%.
Limits of the study: The requests were for help, such as directions, borrowing a phone or a favour. They were not invitations. The result held across those settings, but the study says nothing about asking somebody out.
For this exercise: The study looked at requests for help and favours, not invitations. Applying it to invitations is our own step.
One specific thing, one open question
DifficultyOn a dating app, send a first message that mentions one detail from their profile and asks one question they cannot answer with a single word.
Why this helps: Showing that you read their profile works better than a clever line. A specific message cannot be copied and pasted to fifty people, and they know that.
ResearchHuang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Asking questions made people more liked in every study. The authors' explanation is that questions show you are listening and that you care.
Limits of the study: The studies were online chats and speed dates between people meeting for the first time. They did not test people who already know each other well.
For this exercise: Tested in live conversation and speed dating, not in messaging apps.
Leave first, warmly
DifficultyEnd three conversations yourself today while they are still going well. Say something like “I should get going, this was nice.”
Why this helps: Endings are the part most people dread. When you end the conversation yourself, the ending is in your hands.
ResearchFredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
When people look back on an experience, they mostly remember its strongest moment and how it ended. How long it lasted hardly matters.
Limits of the study: The studies used lab episodes of pain and pleasure that lasted minutes. Applying them to conversations, evenings and relationships is our own step.
For this exercise: The studies used short episodes of pain and pleasure in a lab. Applying them to conversations is our own step.
Ask for a recommendation
DifficultyAsk a stranger for a recommendation: what to order, read or see. Then ask one more question about their answer.
Why this helps: People like being asked for their opinion. The second question is what turns a quick exchange into a conversation.
ResearchFlynn & Lake (2008)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
People consistently underestimate how willing strangers are to say yes to a direct request. They think too much about the effort they are asking for, and forget how awkward it feels to say no.
Limits of the study: The requests were for help, such as directions, borrowing a phone or a favour. They were not invitations. The result held across those settings, but the study says nothing about asking somebody out.
Sources cited in this topic
- 01Binetti, Harrison, Coutrot, Johnston & Mareschal (2016). Pupil Dilation as an Index of Preferred Mutual Gaze Duration. Royal Society Open Science, 3(7).
- 02Epley & Schroeder (2014). Mistakenly Seeking Solitude. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(5).
- 03Clark & Wells (1995). A Cognitive Model of Social Phobia. In Heimberg et al. (eds), Social Phobia: Diagnosis, Assessment and Treatment.
- 04Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017). It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3).
- 05Flynn & Lake (2008). If You Need Help, Just Ask: Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(1).
- 06Fredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993). Duration Neglect in Retrospective Evaluations of Affective Episodes; When More Pain Is Preferred to Less. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 65(1); Psychological Science, 4(6).
Where an exercise is labelled our reading, no study backs it. We say so openly.
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Conversation Craft