How do you start talking to someone you see every week?
Suaviq · checked · 8 sources
The short answer
Go slowly, with one small step each time you see them. First, nod when your eyes meet. Next time, say one sentence about something you have both seen there, like “Busier than last week.” Later, remember one detail they tell you and ask about it the following week. After a few short conversations, suggest something small and close, like a coffee on the same street. Whatever they say, come back next week as usual.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
Why is it harder to talk to someone you already see?
With the person at your gym, café or office, you have weeks of nods and a fear that one wrong move will make the place uncomfortable. So go slowly. Take one small action each time you see them, in an order that keeps the place comfortable for you whatever happens.
Seeing each other has already helped you. Moreland and Beach had four women attend a university lecture course 0, 5, 10 or 15 times without speaking to anyone. At the end of term, students rated the women they had seen more often as more attractive and more like themselves, although they hardly recognized them. That was one class in one term, and nobody spoke, so it tells you nothing about what happens once you do.
What do you say first to someone you always see?
Start with the nod. For a few visits, be in your usual spot at your usual time, and nod once if your eyes meet. Then say one sentence that only another regular could say, about something you have both seen there: “Busier than last week,” or “They finally fixed the rowing machine.” Then carry on as normal.
Sandstrom and Dunn sent people into a coffee shop. Some had a short, real exchange with the barista, with eye contact, a smile and a few words, and others were told to be as quick as possible. The first group left in a better mood. It was one visit with a member of staff, not another customer, so take it as a small hint and not proof.
How do you turn nods into real conversations?
Ask one question whose answer you can remember, like the race they are training for or the drink they always order. Next week, start with it: “How did Sunday go?” Huang and colleagues found that follow-up questions, the kind that build on what the other person just said, made people more liked in chat studies, and speed daters who asked more of them were offered more second dates. Those were questions inside one first conversation, so asking a week later is our own step.
Then have short conversations on a few visits in a row, each a minute longer than the last, and end each one yourself, warmly. Reis and colleagues had pairs of strangers chat between one and eight times. The more often they had talked, the more they liked each other, and the effect came from feeling responded to, feeling comfortable and feeling they knew the other person. The pairs were students who had to finish a set number of chats for course credit, so nobody could walk away after a bad first one.
At some point, ask one question about their life outside the place, like their plans for the weekend. Ask once and let them decide how much to say. We know of no study on this, so it is our own judgment: questions about the place sound friendly, and a question about their life is the first thing they can recognize as interest.
Should you change your schedule to see them more?
No. Keep going as often as you did before, and do not move your hours to match theirs. If you notice that you are planning around them, stop.
Bornstein combined 208 comparisons from studies of repeated exposure and found that the effect faded after about ten to twenty exposures. Almost all of those studies used faces, words and images on a screen. Our own view is that a schedule someone can tell you arranged starts to feel like pressure.
If a conversation goes flat one week, with a one-word answer and no eye contact, go back at the same time the next week and give the same hello as before. Craske and colleagues describe exposure therapy as learning from the difference between what you feared and what happened, and they count exposures that sometimes go badly among the methods that make the learning last. They wrote for clinicians treating anxiety disorders, so using it for a quiet week at the gym is our own step, and Suaviq is practice, not therapy.
How do you ask out someone you see every week?
Keep the first step small and close to the place: “I am going for a coffee after this. Want to come?” A plan for another day is a bigger decision than twenty minutes on the same street. Bohns reviewed studies where people asked more than 14,000 strangers for something, and the askers underestimated how many would say yes by 48% on average. Those were small favors, not requests for company.
If you ask for a real date, give them an easy way out in the sentence before: “Either way I will still be here on Thursdays, so no awkwardness. But would you like to get dinner?” Say it once, then stop. Whatever they answer, come back next week at your usual time, say one ordinary hello, and do not ask again.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from The Regular topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
Same time, same spot
For three visits, sit or stand in the same spot at the same time, and simply be there where they can see you. On the third visit, nod once if your eyes meet. Say nothing.
Being seen again and again does something that words cannot. When you are always there, people start to see you as a regular and not a stranger.
Research. Four women attended a university lecture course 0, 5, 10 or 15 times without speaking to anyone. At the end of term, the 130 students rated the women they had seen more often as more attractive and more like themselves, although they hardly recognized them. Moreland & Beach (1992)
Step 2
One sentence past the nod
To the person you already nod at, say one sentence about something you have both seen there, such as “Busier than last week.” Then carry on exactly as you would have.
A stranger gets small talk. A regular gets a sentence that only another regular could say, and it asks nothing of them. The place stays as comfortable as it was.
Research. People were sent into a coffee shop. Some were asked to have a short, real exchange with the barista: eye contact, a smile and a few words. Others were told to be as quick as possible. The first group left in a better mood, and early evidence suggests this was because they felt they belonged. Sandstrom & Dunn (2014)
Step 3
Keep one detail
Ask one question whose answer you can remember, such as the race they are training for or the thing they always order. Next week, start with it in one sentence: “How did Sunday go?”
A detail that you remembered is the only proof of attention that cannot be faked in the moment. It tells them that last week mattered to you.
Research. Follow-up questions build on what the other person has just said. In the chat studies, they were the kind of question that made people more liked, and speed daters who asked more of them were offered more second dates. Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)
Step 4
Do not add visits
For two weeks, keep going exactly as often as before. Do not add visits or change your hours to match theirs. If you notice that you are planning around them, stop.
Being seen only helps when it happens naturally. When it is obvious that you arranged it, the same face starts to feel like pressure, and the effect reverses.
Research. Bornstein combined 208 comparisons from studies of repeated exposure and found an overall effect of r = .26. The effect faded after about ten to twenty exposures. The paper explains the drop as boredom. Zajonc (1968); Bornstein (1989)
Step 5
Ask about outside
Ask one question about their life outside the place. Do not ask about the class, the coffee or the building. Ask what they are doing at the weekend. Ask once, and let them decide how much to say.
Questions about the place sound friendly. A question about their life is the first thing they can recognize as interest.
Our opinion. We know of no study that tests which signals people take as interest and which as friendliness. This is our own judgment. The difference people say they notice is whether your questions go beyond the place you share.
Step 6
Walk in the week after
When a conversation goes flat, with a one-word answer and no eye contact, go back at the same time the next week and say exactly the same hello as before. Do not make it bigger or smaller.
If you avoid the place, you teach yourself that it was dangerous. If you go back, you learn that you can survive a flat week, and that lesson carries over to other situations.
Clinical practice. In the modern model of exposure therapy, you learn from the difference between what you feared and what actually happened. The authors include exposures that sometimes go badly among the methods that make the learning last. Craske, Treanor, Conway, Zbozinek & Vervliet (2014)
Step 7
Three conversations, three weeks
Have a real conversation with them on three visits in a row. Make each one a minute longer than the last. Ask one follow-up question in each conversation, and end each one yourself, warmly.
People who talk like each other more the more often they talk, and the cause is feeling that the other person responds to you. Three short conversations do more than one long one.
Research. Pairs of strangers were told to chat one, two, four, six or eight times. The more often they had talked, the more they liked each other. The effect came from feeling responded to, feeling comfortable, and feeling that they knew the other person. Reis, Maniaci, Caprariello, Eastwick & Finkel (2011)
Step 8
Leave the building together
Suggest the smallest possible step outside the place, connected to it: “I am going for a coffee after this. Want to come?” Same street, twenty minutes, right now. Do not suggest a plan for another day.
A step that stays close to the place costs little. A date on another day is a decision. Twenty minutes on the same street is just a continuation.
Research. In studies where participants asked more than 14,000 strangers for something, the people asking underestimated how many would say yes by 48% on average. Bohns (2016)
Step 9
Say the exit first
When you ask, give them an easy way out in the sentence before it: “Either way I will still be here on Thursdays, so no awkwardness. But would you like to get dinner?” Say it once, then stop.
You both fear that the place will become uncomfortable. When you say that fear out loud, you remove it from their decision.
Research. Students who wore an embarrassing T-shirt guessed that about half the room would notice. About a quarter did. The refusal that you replay all week mattered much less to them. Gilovich, Medvec & Savitsky (2000)
Step 10
Return as before
Whatever they answer, go back next week at your usual time and be exactly the same person you were before you asked. Say one ordinary hello. Do not ask again, and do not disappear.
Asking once is a compliment. Asking twice is pressure, and disappearing feels like a judgment. When you go back unchanged, the place stays comfortable for both of you.
Our opinion. This is our rule, not a research finding. We know of no study of what happens in a shared place after someone declines an invitation. We do not teach anything that makes a place uncomfortable for the other person.
Sign up free with your email. Try the first exercise with real people, and come back to say how it went.
Common questions
How do you know if the person you see every week is interested?
You cannot tell for sure from nods and small talk, because many people are friendly to everyone at the gym or café. Watch how they answer when you ask about their life outside the place: whether they say more and ask you something back. If you want to know, ask once, with an easy way out.
What if they say no and you still see them every week?
Go back at your usual time and be the same person you were before you asked. Say one ordinary hello, do not ask again, and do not disappear. You will likely replay the moment more than they do: in one study, students in an embarrassing T-shirt guessed half the room would notice, and about a quarter did.
Is it okay to talk to someone at the gym?
Yes, if you keep it short and pick your moment. Talk between sets or on the way out, not while they are mid-exercise or wearing headphones. Start with one sentence about something you have both seen there, then go back to your own workout. If they answer briefly, leave it there and say the same hello next week.
Sources
- Moreland & Beach (1992). Exposure Effects in the Classroom: The Development of Affinity Among Students.
- Sandstrom & Dunn (2014). Is Efficiency Overrated? Minimal Social Interactions Lead to Belonging and Positive Affect.
- Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017). It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking.
- Reis, Maniaci, Caprariello, Eastwick & Finkel (2011). Familiarity Does Indeed Promote Attraction in Live Interaction.
- Zajonc (1968); Bornstein (1989). Attitudinal Effects of Mere Exposure; Exposure and Affect: Overview and Meta-Analysis of Research, 1968–1987.
- Craske, Treanor, Conway, Zbozinek & Vervliet (2014). Maximizing Exposure Therapy: An Inhibitory Learning Approach.
- Bohns (2016). (Mis)Understanding Our Influence Over Others: A Review of the Underestimated-Compliance Effect.
- Gilovich, Medvec & Savitsky (2000). The Spotlight Effect in Social Judgment.