How do you talk to people at a party when you know nobody?
Suaviq · checked · 7 sources
The short answer
Arrive early, while the groups are still forming, and start with the person standing alone. To join a group, ask what they are talking about before you give an opinion. Aim for one real conversation instead of six polite ones, and end each chat out loud before you move on. Afterwards, assume the other person liked you more than you think. Research on strangers finds that people usually underestimate this.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you a 1:16 video and 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
Why does walking into a party feel so hard?
A room full of people can feel like an audience watching you arrive. It is really six or seven separate conversations, and none of them has noticed you yet. You never have to face the whole room. You only have to join one conversation at a time.
You will also probably leave with the wrong idea of how you did. Boothby and colleagues found that after conversations between strangers, people regularly underestimated how much the other person liked them and enjoyed their company. They call this the liking gap, and in a study of people who had just met, it lasted for months. The participants were mostly students, but the advice holds: whatever score you give a chat, raise it a little.
Who should you talk to first?
Arrive in the first twenty minutes if you can. Early on there are few people and the groups have not closed, so you can stand next to someone without breaking into anything. We found no study that measures arrival time, so this is our own view. Our reasoning is that open groups are easier to join, and groups are open early.
Then look for the person standing alone. They are the easiest person in the room to talk to, and usually pleased that someone came over. In nine experiments with more than 800 commuters, Epley and Schroeder found that people told to talk to a stranger enjoyed the journey more than people who sat alone, although another group had predicted the opposite. That was on Chicago trains and buses, not at parties, but it suggests the chat you are dreading may feel better than you expect.
How do you join a group that is already talking?
Wait for a pause, then ask what they are talking about. Hold back your own opinion until you know the subject. A question asks permission to join, while an opinion interrupts whoever was speaking.
Keep asking once you are in. Huang and colleagues found that asking questions, and follow-up questions most of all, made people more liked in online chat studies and in a real speed-dating study. Those were people meeting for the first time, which is the situation you are in at a party where you know nobody.
Once you know two people, introduce them to each other and say why: “You both just moved here,” or “Ask Sam about the bike trip.” In our experience, this is the most reliable way to be welcome in a room without having to be interesting. You stop needing a conversation and start making the room easier for others.
How do you get past small talk at a party?
Aim for one real conversation and let the rest of the evening be small talk. Mehl and colleagues recorded people's daily conversations for a week. The happiest people had about a third less small talk and about twice as many real conversations as the least happy. That study had 79 university students and found a link, not a cause.
To get there, say the second sentence. When a subject reaches its polite end, ask a deeper question about it instead of changing the subject. If someone mentions a new job, ask what they hope will be different there. In about a dozen experiments, Kardas, Kumar and Epley found that people expected deep conversations with strangers to be more awkward and less enjoyable than they turned out to be.
Small chats still count. In two studies, Sandstrom and Dunn found that people reported better days when they talked more with acquaintances, and not only with close friends. The studies found a link, not a cause. Still, talk to the bar staff or someone's visiting cousin too, since nothing depends on those chats and they are real practice.
How do you leave a conversation at a party without being rude?
Many people escape from a conversation instead of leaving it. They drift off mid-sentence or wait for someone to rescue them. End it out loud instead: mention something they said that you liked, say you are going to get a drink, and go. In our experience, the fear of being stuck is a large part of why people avoid starting conversations, so knowing how to leave makes starting easier.
The ending also shapes how they remember the chat. Kahneman and colleagues found that when people look back on an experience, they mostly remember its strongest moment and how it ended. Those studies used short lab episodes of pain and pleasure, not conversations, so we are borrowing the direction of the result.
Before you go home, find one person at the edge of a group and open the circle to let them in. It costs you one sentence. This is our own view, not research, but people who have stood at the edge of a group tend to remember who let them in.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from the A Room of People topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
Arrive while it is still forming
Arrive in the first twenty minutes, while there are few people and the groups have not closed yet.
Joining four people who are already talking takes a decision. Standing in a room of eight people before anyone has settled is simply standing there.
Our opinion. This is our own view. We found nothing that measures arrival time. The reasoning is simple: open groups are easier to join than closed ones, and groups are open early on.
Step 2
Go to the person standing alone
Find the one person who is alone, and talk to them.
They are the easiest person in the room to talk to, and the most pleased to be spoken to. It is also the kind thing to do, and the two reasons are connected.
Research. In nine experiments with more than 800 commuters, people who were told to talk to a stranger enjoyed the journey more than people who sat alone. Another group had predicted the opposite. Epley & Schroeder (2014)
Step 3
Join with a question
Join a group by asking what they are talking about. Do not start by giving your opinion on it.
A question asks permission. An opinion interrupts whoever was speaking.
Research. Asking questions, and follow-up questions most of all, made people more liked in chat studies and in a real speed-dating study. Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)
Step 4
Talk to the ones you will never see again
Spend part of the evening talking to people you have no reason to impress: the bar staff, someone's visiting cousin, or the person waiting for the same taxi.
Nothing depends on it, it is real practice, and it is where surprising conversations happen.
Research. In two studies, people reported better days when they talked more with acquaintances, as opposed to close friends. This was true when comparing different people, and also when comparing the same person's different days. Sandstrom & Dunn (2014)
Step 5
Assume they liked you more than you think
After each conversation, take your own judgment of how it went and raise it. Then act on the raised number.
The error happens every time, not only sometimes. It is why people leave good conversations believing they failed.
Research. After conversations between strangers, people regularly underestimated how much the other person liked them and enjoyed their company. This is called the liking gap. In a study of people who had just met, it lasted for months. Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018)
Step 6
Leave a conversation kindly
End it out loud. Mention something they said that you liked, say you are going to get a drink, and go.
Most people escape and do not properly leave. That makes the next approach harder for both of you.
Our opinion. This is our own view. Nobody teaches how to leave a conversation. The fear of being stuck in one is a large part of why people avoid starting one.
Step 7
Introduce two people, and say why
Introduce two people to each other and tell them why: what they have in common, or what one should ask the other.
You stop being someone who needs a conversation. You become the reason the room is easier for others.
Our opinion. This is our own technique. It is the most reliable way we know to be welcome in a room without having to be interesting.
Step 8
One real conversation beats six pleasant ones
Aim for one real conversation, and let the rest of the evening be small talk.
Six pleasant short chats make an evening that nobody remembers, including you.
Research. Researchers recorded people's daily conversations for a week. The happiest people had about a third less small talk and about twice as many real conversations as the least happy. Mehl, Vazire, Holleran & Clark (2010)
Step 9
Say the second sentence
When a subject reaches its polite end, ask a deeper question about it. Do not change the subject.
Almost everyone stops at the surface because they expect a deeper conversation to be awkward. Research shows it is less awkward than they expect.
Research. In about a dozen experiments, people expected deep conversations with strangers to be more awkward and less enjoyable than they turned out to be. They chose shallower subjects than would have been good for them. Kardas, Kumar & Epley (2022)
Sign up free with your email. Watch the lesson, then try the first exercise with real people, and come back to say how it went.
Common questions
What do you say when you walk up to a group at a party?
Wait for a pause and ask what they are talking about: “Mind if I join? What are we discussing?” A question asks permission, so the group can let you in easily. Keep your own opinion until you know the subject, then ask a follow-up question about what someone just said.
What should you do if you go to a party alone?
Arrive early, when there are few people and nobody has settled into a group. Talk to whoever is standing alone, then to the hosts or the bar staff. Once you know two people, introduce them to each other and say what they have in common. Going alone also means you get more practice.
How many people should you talk to at a party?
You do not need to meet everyone. Aim for one real conversation that goes past the first polite answers, and let the rest be short, friendly chats. In a study of 79 students, the happiest had more real conversations and less small talk than the least happy, though the study found a link, not a cause.
Why do you feel like every party conversation went badly?
Most people misjudge it. Boothby and colleagues found that after talking with strangers, people regularly underestimated how much the other person liked them and enjoyed the conversation. The researchers call this the liking gap. Take your own rating of how a chat went, raise it, and act on the higher number at the next party.
Sources
- Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018). The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?.
- Epley & Schroeder (2014). Mistakenly Seeking Solitude.
- Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017). It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking.
- Mehl, Vazire, Holleran & Clark (2010). Eavesdropping on Happiness: Well-Being Is Related to Having Less Small Talk and More Substantive Conversations.
- Kardas, Kumar & Epley (2022). Overly Shallow?: Miscalibrated Expectations Create a Barrier to Deeper Conversation.
- Sandstrom & Dunn (2014). Social Interactions and Well-Being: The Surprising Power of Weak Ties.
- Fredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993). Duration Neglect in Retrospective Evaluations of Affective Episodes; When More Pain Is Preferred to Less.