Topic 05
FreeRejection Immunity
This topic has the most research behind it, because it is taken most directly from clinical practice. The aim is not to stop caring. The aim is to recover faster, and to learn that your fear was a prediction, not a report of what happened.
This topic
10 exercises
Next: Write the prediction first
The main idea
The rating you give forty-eight hours later is the one that proves something.
Evidence in this topic
5 Research5 Clinical practiceWrite the prediction first
DifficultyBefore you approach someone, write down exactly what you expect to happen, and rate your fear from one to five. Afterwards, write down what really happened.
Why this helps: The difference between the two is the whole lesson. You cannot see it unless you write down both.
Clinical practiceCraske, Treanor, Conway, Zbozinek & Vervliet (2014)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Exposure works best when it proves a specific prediction wrong. You state what you expect and then test it. This works better than simply carrying on until the anxiety fades.
Limits of the study: The paper was written for exposure therapy given by a clinician to people in treatment. Applying it to practice on your own for ordinary shyness is our own step, and the paper says nothing about doing it alone.
Collect one no on purpose
DifficultyAsk for something small that will probably be refused, such as a discount, an upgrade or a favour.
Why this helps: When you go looking for a no, you learn that you can survive one.
ResearchFlynn & Lake (2008)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
People underestimated by as much as 50% how often others agree to a direct request. So when you ask, the most common surprise is that they say yes.
Limits of the study: The requests were for help, such as directions, borrowing a phone or a favour. They were not invitations. The result held across those settings, but the study says nothing about asking somebody out.
For this exercise: The study looked at requests for help and small favours, not discounts or phone numbers. Applying it to those is our own step.
Name the distortion within the hour
DifficultyAfter anything that hurt, name the thinking pattern behind it: mind reading, the spotlight, catastrophising, fortune telling or taking it personally.
Why this helps: Once you name the pattern, it stops feeling like the truth. It becomes a habit of thought that you happen to have.
Clinical practiceClark & Wells (1995)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Finding and testing your negative thoughts about social situations is a central part of cognitive therapy for social anxiety. That therapy has the strongest evidence of any psychological treatment for it.
Limits of the study: This is a theory, not an experiment. It summarises what clinicians saw, and it has shaped the treatment of social anxiety ever since. The paper does not test each part of the theory separately. It was written about diagnosed social phobia, and we apply it to ordinary shyness.
The four-second audit
DifficultyAsk yourself how many seconds of their evening the moment took. Then ask how many hours of yours it has taken.
Why this helps: The size of that difference is not evidence that it went badly. It is the illusion.
ResearchGilovich, Medvec & Savitsky (2000)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Students who wore an embarrassing T-shirt guessed that about half the room would notice it. About a quarter did. In a second study they guessed that 48% of people could say who was on the shirt. Only 8% could.
Limits of the study: The participants were university students in arranged situations, such as wearing an embarrassing T-shirt or joining a group discussion. The studies measure how much observers noticed, not how much anyone should worry.
Tell one person
DifficultyDescribe a rejection out loud to a friend, in plain words, without turning it into a joke.
Why this helps: Shame grows when you keep things private. Said out loud, most of these stories sound ordinary.
ResearchBruk, Scholl & Bless (2018)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
People judge their own vulnerability much more harshly than others judge it. Other people usually see it as courage.
Limits of the study: Most of the studies asked people to imagine situations, not to live them. They measured how differently people judge the same act in themselves and in others. They did not test whether being vulnerable improves a relationship.
Do it badly on purpose
DifficultyApproach someone with an opening line that is not polished. Let yourself stumble over it a little.
Why this helps: Wanting it to be perfect is the real reason you do not approach people.
Clinical practiceCraske, Treanor, Conway, Zbozinek & Vervliet (2014)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Dropping your safety behaviours on purpose, and practising in different conditions, produces learning that lasts longer than doing the feared thing carefully.
Limits of the study: The paper was written for exposure therapy given by a clinician to people in treatment. Applying it to practice on your own for ordinary shyness is our own step, and the paper says nothing about doing it alone.
Write the friend's version
DifficultyWrite down what a friend who loves you would say about last night. Read it twice.
Why this helps: You already know the fair version of the story. You are simply not the one telling it.
Clinical practiceClark & Wells (1995)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Writing a second, fairer account is a standard technique in cognitive therapy. The aim is not comfort. The aim is to read the same facts a second way.
Limits of the study: This is a theory, not an experiment. It summarises what clinicians saw, and it has shaped the treatment of social anxiety ever since. The paper does not test each part of the theory separately. It was written about diagnosed social phobia, and we apply it to ordinary shyness.
Go again within a day
DifficultyAfter an approach that went badly, approach someone new within twenty-four hours.
Why this helps: The danger is the waiting, not the bad moment.
ResearchRachman, Grüter-Andrew & Shafran (2000)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
People who kept going over an event afterwards were more likely to avoid similar situations later. The avoiding spreads to other situations. The event itself does not.
Limits of the study: People reported on themselves after real social events, and they were chosen for social anxiety. The study shows that the replaying happens and goes with distress. It does not show that stopping the replaying removes the distress.
Three noes this week
DifficultySet yourself a target number of refusals, not successes. Count every no as progress.
Why this helps: When the thing you fear counts as a point for you, you stop arranging your life to avoid it.
Clinical practiceCraske, Treanor, Conway, Zbozinek & Vervliet (2014)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
What works is repeated and varied exposure, with a clear prediction to prove wrong. The target number is our own way of organising it.
Limits of the study: The paper was written for exposure therapy given by a clinician to people in treatment. Applying it to practice on your own for ordinary shyness is our own step, and the paper says nothing about doing it alone.
For this exercise: The popular “rejection therapy” challenges are stories, not evidence. The clinical part is the prediction and the review afterwards, not the stunt.
Re-rate at forty-eight hours
DifficultyTwo days later, rate the same memory again. Compare it with the number you wrote at the time.
Why this helps: You are collecting your own evidence that your prediction was wrong.
ResearchBoothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
In five studies, people underestimated how much the person they talked to liked them. This is called the liking gap. The number you give yourself in the moment is not a measurement.
Limits of the study: The studies used conversations between strangers and new acquaintances, mostly students. They show that people underestimate how much they were liked. They do not show that correcting for this error changes how the next conversation goes.
Sources cited in this topic
- 01Craske, Treanor, Conway, Zbozinek & Vervliet (2014). Maximizing Exposure Therapy: An Inhibitory Learning Approach. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 58.
- 02Flynn & Lake (2008). If You Need Help, Just Ask: Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(1).
- 03Clark & Wells (1995). A Cognitive Model of Social Phobia. In Heimberg et al. (eds), Social Phobia: Diagnosis, Assessment and Treatment.
- 04Gilovich, Medvec & Savitsky (2000). The Spotlight Effect in Social Judgment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2).
- 05Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018). Beautiful Mess Effect: Self–Other Differences in Evaluation of Showing Vulnerability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(2).
- 06Rachman, Grüter-Andrew & Shafran (2000). Post-Event Processing in Social Anxiety. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 38(6).
- 07Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018). The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?. Psychological Science, 29(11).
Where an exercise is labelled our reading, no study backs it. We say so openly.
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The Long Devotion