What do you do when your mind goes blank in a conversation?
Suaviq · checked · 9 sources
The short answer
Repeat the last few words the other person said, as a question, or say plainly that you lost your thought and ask them to go on. Your mind goes blank because part of your attention is busy watching how you look and sound. Put that attention back on the other person and the words come back. Other people also notice your nerves far less than you think.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you a 2:02 video and 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
Why does your mind go blank when you talk to people?
It is your turn to speak and there is nothing in your head. An hour later you think of ten things you could have said. While you talk, part of your attention is checking your face, your voice and your hands, and the part left over is too small to hold the conversation.
Leigh, Chiu and Clark tested this with 57 pupils aged 11 to 14. Each pupil had two five-minute conversations with an adult they did not know. In one they watched themselves and tried to hide their nerves, and in the other they paid attention to the adult. When they watched themselves they felt more anxious, and the adults rated them as more anxious and less likeable.
A review by Moran of 177 samples, with more than 22,000 people, found that more anxious people scored lower on tests of working memory. That is the small mental space you use to hold information from moment to moment. The review shows a link, not a cause, and the tests were memory tasks, not conversations.
What can you say when you go blank?
Repeat the last few words they said, as a question. If they say they spent three years in Lisbon, you say “Three years in Lisbon?” and listen to what they add. You do not need a new idea, and you get a few seconds to think. Huang and colleagues found that people who asked more follow-up questions were liked more, in chat studies and in speed dating.
If nothing comes, say so in one sentence and hand the conversation back: “I have lost my thought. What were you saying about your sister?” Apologize once at most. Bruk and colleagues found that people judge their own moments of openness more harshly than they judge the same moment in someone else, and often see it as courage in others. Most of their studies asked people to imagine situations, so this is a guide, not a promise.
Can other people tell when your mind goes blank?
Much less than you think. In a study by Gilovich and colleagues, students wearing an embarrassing T-shirt guessed that about half the room would notice it. About a quarter did. Other people notice your awkward moment less than you expect, even when it fills your head for the rest of the evening.
Knowing this helps you speak. Savitsky and Gilovich had university students give a short speech. The group told beforehand that nervousness shows much less than it feels gave better speeches than the other groups, and both the speakers and the audience said so. The next time you feel nervous, tell yourself “They can see much less of this than I think” and keep talking.
How do you stop it happening before a conversation?
Stop planning your next sentence while the other person is still talking. A planned sentence feels safe, but you stop listening, and by the time they finish it no longer fits. McManus and colleagues found that when anxious adults used fewer safety habits like this and watched themselves less, their anxiety changed, and so did the way they came across.
Before an event that makes you nervous, say “I am excited” out loud once, and do not try to calm down. In a lab study by Brooks, people about to sing karaoke who said this scored 80% on the game's accuracy measure, against 53% for those who said they were anxious. Their anxiety did not fall, but their excitement rose. In our experience it also helps to carry three questions you would like to hear people answer, and no sentences about yourself.
Can you train yourself to stop freezing?
You can get used to the blank moment by meeting it on purpose. In a relaxed chat with someone you trust, stop mid-sentence for three seconds, then carry on. Write down what you expect them to do first, and what they did afterwards. Craske and colleagues, writing for clinicians, say exposure works best when it proves a specific prediction wrong.
When your mind does go blank at an event, stay for ten more minutes and start one more short conversation. If you leave straight away, the bad moment is what you take home. Suaviq is practice for ordinary nerves and does not replace therapy. If fear of conversations runs your life, talk to a professional.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from the When Your Mind Goes Blank topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
It shows less than you think
The next time you feel nervous in a conversation, say one sentence to yourself: “They can see much less of this than I think.” Then carry on talking.
When you believe that everyone can see your nerves, you start to watch yourself, and watching yourself is what empties your head. The belief is wrong, and knowing that helps.
Research. People had to give a short speech. One group was told beforehand that nervousness is much less visible to an audience than it feels. That group gave better speeches than a group that was only reassured and a group that was told nothing. The speakers thought so, and so did the people watching. Savitsky & Gilovich (2003)
Step 2
Look at them, not at yourself
For one whole conversation today, put all of your attention on the other person: their words, their face and what they seem to feel. When you notice that you are checking yourself, move your attention back to them.
You only have a small amount of attention. Whatever you spend on checking your own voice and face is no longer available for listening and thinking.
Research. Each of 57 pupils had two five-minute conversations with an adult they did not know. In one, they watched themselves and tried to hide their nerves. In the other, they paid attention to the adult. When they watched themselves they felt more anxious and thought they had done worse. The adults also rated them as more anxious and less likeable. Leigh, Chiu & Clark (2021)
Step 3
Repeat their last few words
When you have nothing to say, repeat the last few words the other person said, as a question: “Three years in Lisbon?” Then listen to what they add.
You do not need a new idea to keep a conversation going. The other person's last sentence always contains something to ask about, and repeating it gives you time to think.
Research. Two online chat studies with more than 600 people, and a speed-dating study with 110 people and about a thousand four-minute dates, found the same thing. People who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were liked more. Speed daters who asked more questions got more second dates. Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)
Step 4
Call it excitement
Before a conversation that makes you nervous, say “I am excited” out loud, once. Do not try to calm down.
Nerves and excitement feel almost the same in the body. Trying to calm down is hard and usually fails. Calling the feeling excitement is easy, and it points the same energy at the conversation.
Research. In a lab study, 113 people were about to sing karaoke to a stranger. Those told to say “I am excited” scored 80% on the game's accuracy measure. Those told to say “I am anxious” scored 53%. The other groups, who said they were calm, angry or sad, or said nothing, scored about 69%. The anxiety people reported did not fall, but the excitement they reported rose. Brooks (2014)
Step 5
Do not prepare your next sentence
In your next conversation, do not plan what you will say while the other person is still talking. Listen until they finish. Then take a breath and answer what they said.
Planning your next sentence feels safe, but it means you stop listening. Then your planned sentence no longer fits, and you have nothing else ready.
Research. Adults with high social anxiety had conversations in a lab. When the researchers changed how much the adults used their safety habits and how much they watched themselves, their anxiety changed, their opinion of their own performance changed, and the way they came across to the other person changed too. McManus, Sacadura & Clark (2008)
Step 6
Carry three real questions
Before your next social event, write down three questions that you would honestly like to hear people answer. Keep them for the moments when you go blank. Do not write down sentences about yourself.
A prepared question is different from a prepared sentence. A sentence only fits one moment, and a good question fits almost any moment and gives the other person the next two minutes.
Our opinion. This is our own judgment. We know of no study that tests carrying prepared questions. We suggest it because the research on safety habits is about rehearsing what you will say about yourself, and a question turns your attention to the other person.
Step 7
Say that you went blank
The next time it happens, say so in one sentence and hand the conversation back: “I have lost my thought. What were you saying about your sister?” Do not apologize more than once.
A silence that you try to hide gets longer and heavier. When you name it, it is over in three seconds, and most people like you more for it.
Research. People judged their own moments of vulnerability more harshly than the same moments in other people. In others, they saw them as courage, not weakness. Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018)
Step 8
Stop doing the second job
Choose one thing you usually check while you talk, such as your hands, your voice or your face. For one conversation, decide that you will not check it at all.
Holding a conversation and inspecting yourself are two jobs. An anxious mind has less room to work with, so the second job is the one to drop.
Research. A review of 177 samples with 22,061 people found that more anxious people scored lower on tests of working memory, which is the small mental space you use to hold and use information from moment to moment. Moran (2016)
Step 9
Go blank on purpose
In a relaxed conversation with someone you trust, stop in the middle of a sentence, stay silent for three seconds, and then carry on. Before you do it, write down what you expect them to do. Afterwards, write down what they did.
You fear the blank moment because you have never checked what really happens. When you cause one on purpose, you can watch the other person, and you find that they wait.
Clinical practice. Exposure works best when it proves a specific prediction wrong. You state what you expect and then test it. This works better than simply carrying on until the anxiety fades. Craske, Treanor, Conway, Zbozinek & Vervliet (2014)
Step 10
Stay after the blank
The next time your mind goes blank at an event, do not leave. Stay for ten more minutes and start one more conversation, even a very short one.
If you leave straight after a bad moment, the bad moment is what you remember and what you fear next time. One ordinary conversation afterwards gives you a different memory to take home.
Research. Students who wore an embarrassing T-shirt guessed that about half the room would notice it. About a quarter did. In a second study they guessed that 48% of people could say who was on the shirt. Only 8% could. Gilovich, Medvec & Savitsky (2000)
Sign up free with your email. Watch the lesson, then try the first exercise with real people, and come back to say how it went.
Common questions
Why do I go blank when I am nervous?
When you are nervous, you start watching yourself: your voice, your face, how you come across. That checking uses attention you need for listening and thinking. In studies of real conversations, self-watching made people feel more anxious and come across as more anxious. Moving your attention to the other person helps.
Is it okay to say “I forgot what I was going to say”?
Yes. Say it once, plainly, and hand the turn back with a question about what they said. A silence you try to hide gets longer. People tend to judge an honest moment like this more kindly in others than they do in themselves.
Should I prepare things to say before a conversation?
Prepare questions, not sentences. A prepared sentence fits one moment, and you stop listening while you wait to use it. A question you would like to hear answered fits almost any moment and gives the other person something to talk about. This is our own view, not a tested method.
Does saying “I am excited” really help?
In one lab study, people about to sing karaoke who said “I am excited” performed better than people who said they were anxious or calm. Their anxiety did not go down, but their excitement went up. The tasks were singing, a speech and a math test, not conversations.
Sources
- Leigh, Chiu & Clark (2021). Self-Focused Attention and Safety Behaviours Maintain Social Anxiety in Adolescents: An Experimental Study.
- Moran (2016). Anxiety and Working Memory Capacity: A Meta-Analysis and Narrative Review.
- Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017). It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking.
- Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018). Beautiful Mess Effect: Self–Other Differences in Evaluation of Showing Vulnerability.
- Gilovich, Medvec & Savitsky (2000). The Spotlight Effect in Social Judgment.
- Savitsky & Gilovich (2003). The Illusion of Transparency and the Alleviation of Speech Anxiety.
- McManus, Sacadura & Clark (2008). Why Social Anxiety Persists: An Experimental Investigation of the Role of Safety Behaviours as a Maintaining Factor.
- Brooks (2014). Get Excited: Reappraising Pre-Performance Anxiety as Excitement.
- Craske, Treanor, Conway, Zbozinek & Vervliet (2014). Maximizing Exposure Therapy: An Inhibitory Learning Approach.