Topic 02
FreeConversation Craft
Trying to be interesting is a performance, and it is tiring to keep up. Being interested in the other person is a skill you can practise, and the research behind it is some of the strongest in this course. These ten exercises help you show that you are paying attention.
This topic
10 exercises
Next: The second question
The main idea
People remember that you paid attention to them. They forget most of the rest.
Evidence in this topic
5 Research1 Clinical practice4 Our opinionThe second question
DifficultyIn one conversation today, ask a second question about the same subject before you say anything about yourself.
Why this helps: A first question is only polite. The second question shows that you are really interested.
ResearchHuang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Follow-up questions, not questions in general, were what made people more liked. They were also the most common kind of question people asked. So you do not need to learn a new move. You need to do this one on purpose.
Limits of the study: The studies were online chats and speed dates between people meeting for the first time. They did not test people who already know each other well.
Listen for the noun
DifficultyListen for a specific word they use, like the name of a town, a band or their sister. Ask about that word, not the general subject.
Why this helps: Asking about a specific word proves you were listening. A general question suggests you were only waiting for your turn to speak.
Our opinionRead our note ▾Hide ▴
This is our own technique, not a research finding. It gives the follow-up question from exercise 01 something specific to ask about.
The callback
DifficultyBring up something they said twenty minutes earlier. Do not point out that you remembered it.
Why this helps: It is an easy and clear way to show you were paying attention. It also makes the conversation feel like it has a history.
ResearchReis, Clark & Holmes (2004)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Researchers call it perceived responsiveness: the feeling that someone pays attention to who you really are and values it. It is the main idea behind research on closeness in relationships, and it is linked to people's well-being.
Limits of the study: This is a theory chapter that reviews other research. It is not an experiment. It defines responsiveness and argues that it matters, but it does not test any particular way of showing it.
For this exercise: The idea comes from research on established relationships. We are applying it to a first conversation.
Ask about the choice, not the fact
DifficultyWhen someone tells you what they do, ask why they chose it: how they got there, and what they nearly did instead.
Why this helps: A fact ends the subject. A choice leads to a story, and to what the person cares about.
ResearchKardas, Kumar & Epley (2022)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
In a series of experiments, conversations went better than people predicted. People especially overestimated how awkward a deep conversation would be compared with a shallow one.
Limits of the study: The studies used strangers, in labs and in real settings, mostly in the United States. They measured the gap between expected and actual awkwardness. They did not measure the long-term effect of deeper conversations.
Say the less-charming true thing
DifficultyGive one honest opinion today without polishing it. Do not follow it with a joke to soften it.
Why this helps: If you only ever say what people like to hear, nobody gets to know the real you.
ResearchBruk, Scholl & Bless (2018)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
People judged their own moments of vulnerability more harshly than the same moments in other people. In others, they saw them as courage, not weakness.
Limits of the study: Most of the studies asked people to imagine situations, not to live them. They measured how differently people judge the same act in themselves and in others. They did not test whether being vulnerable improves a relationship.
Let three seconds pass
DifficultyWhen the conversation goes silent, count to three before you speak. Notice what they do with the pause.
Why this helps: The silence that makes you panic feels like a normal pause to the other person.
Clinical practiceClark & Wells (1995)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Socially anxious people judge how they are coming across by how they feel inside, not by how others react. That is why a pause feels terrible to you and ordinary to everyone else.
Limits of the study: This is a theory, not an experiment. It summarises what clinicians saw, and it has shaped the treatment of social anxiety ever since. The paper does not test each part of the theory separately. It was written about diagnosed social phobia, and we apply it to ordinary shyness.
Tease the thing they are proud of
DifficultyTease someone gently about something they are proud of, like a collection, a hobby or how much they know about a subject. Never tease them about something they are insecure about.
Why this helps: Teasing someone about a strength is a hidden compliment. Teasing them about a weakness is cruel, and they will remember it.
Our opinionRead our note ▾Hide ▴
This is our own judgement and a rule we choose to keep, not a research result. Research on humour exists, but none of it supports a rule this specific.
Compliment the chosen, not the given
DifficultyCompliment something they chose, like their jacket, their order or a point they just made. Do not compliment something they were born with.
Why this helps: A compliment about something they chose is about who they are. A compliment about their looks is about their genes.
Our opinionRead our note ▾Hide ▴
This is our own technique. No study backs it, and the popular claims on this subject are weaker than they sound.
Forty-second story
DifficultyTell one story about your week in forty seconds. Time yourself beforehand if you need to.
Why this helps: When a story is short, people ask to hear more.
Our opinionRead our note ▾Hide ▴
This is our own view, not a research finding. Treat forty seconds as a useful limit, not a law.
Close on the upswing
DifficultyEnd the conversation while it is going well. Do not wait until you both run out of things to say.
Why this helps: People remember how a conversation ended. If you leave at a good moment, that is the memory they keep.
ResearchFredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
When people look back on an experience, they mostly remember its strongest moment and how it ended. How long it lasted hardly matters.
Limits of the study: The studies used lab episodes of pain and pleasure that lasted minutes. Applying them to conversations, evenings and relationships is our own step.
For this exercise: The studies used controlled episodes of pain and pleasure, not conversations.
Sources cited in this topic
- 01Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017). It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3).
- 02Reis, Clark & Holmes (2004). Perceived Partner Responsiveness as an Organizing Construct in the Study of Intimacy and Closeness. In Mashek & Aron (eds), Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy.
- 03Kardas, Kumar & Epley (2022). Overly Shallow?: Miscalibrated Expectations Create a Barrier to Deeper Conversation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 122(3).
- 04Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018). Beautiful Mess Effect: Self–Other Differences in Evaluation of Showing Vulnerability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(2).
- 05Clark & Wells (1995). A Cognitive Model of Social Phobia. In Heimberg et al. (eds), Social Phobia: Diagnosis, Assessment and Treatment.
- 06Fredrickson & Kahneman (1993); Kahneman, Fredrickson, Schreiber & Redelmeier (1993). Duration Neglect in Retrospective Evaluations of Affective Episodes; When More Pain Is Preferred to Less. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 65(1); Psychological Science, 4(6).
Where an exercise is labelled our reading, no study backs it. We say so openly.
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Desire & Restraint