Rung 12 · Graded exposure
Ask for contact details once a week
Ask for someone's contact details once this week. A number, a handle, whichever is natural where you are.
Your attempts
Nothing is recorded against this rung. The dread you feel next time will be a guess, and you will have nothing to check it against.
Why this one
Every rung so far has let you leave without an answer. This one produces a yes or a no on purpose, so you find out what a no actually costs rather than what you have been assuming it costs.
What it buys — You have been rehearsing this refusal for years without ever collecting one. A single logged no ends the rehearsal.
People underestimated compliance with direct requests by as much as 50%, which means asking often fails in the most instructive way: they say yes.
What it cannot show — Requests for help — directions, a phone, a favour — not invitations. The underestimate is robust across those settings; nothing in it is about asking somebody out.
Here — The requests studied were for help and small favours — not discounts, and not contact details. We are extending the finding, not reporting it.
When to climb
Three logged attempts running at 2 or under, including at least one no. Three yeses prove nothing about the thing you are afraid of.
Those two numbers are ours, not a finding. Graded exposure is clinical; where the line sits is our judgement.
Rung 13 — Invite someone somewhere specificSource
Flynn & Lake (2008). If You Need Help, Just Ask: Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(1).
The full version of this rung, with the rest of its topic, is exercise 02 of that lesson.