The 200 Hours

Friendship takes hours

If making friends feels harder than it used to, the numbers agree with you. In May 2021 the Survey Center on American Life asked 2,019 adults in the United States about their friendships. Twelve in every hundred said they had no close friends. When Gallup asked the same question in 1990, it was three in every hundred.

Jeffrey Hall wanted to know how long a friendship takes. He asked 355 adults who had moved to a new city in the last six months how much time they had spent with someone they had met there. Then he followed 112 first-year students for nine weeks and asked them three times how many hours they had spent with two new people.

The two studies gave the same picture. People called each other casual friends after about 40 to 60 hours together, friends after 80 to 100 hours, and close friends after more than 200. Hours spent working together counted for less than hours spent relaxing together.

What to do

Count the hours before you blame yourself

When a friendship is slow, most people decide that they are boring or that the other person does not like them. Usually the two of you have simply not spent enough time together yet. You cannot make someone like you, but you can plan more time.

Hall asked 355 adults who had recently moved, and then 112 first-year students, how many hours they had spent with new acquaintances. People called each other casual friends after about 40 to 60 hours, friends after 80 to 100 hours, and close friends after more than 200. Hours spent working together counted for less than hours spent relaxing together.

Limits of the study: People estimated their own hours, and everyone was in the United States. The study shows that closer friends had spent more time together. It does not promise that the hours will make a particular person your friend.

They want to hear from you

Most of us wait for the other person to write first. We think a message from us would be a bother, or that too much time has passed.

Peggy Liu and her colleagues tested this in a series of experiments with more than 5,900 people. In some of them, one person sent a short note, or a note and a small gift, to someone they had not been in touch with for a while. The sender guessed how much it would be appreciated, and the person who received it said how much they appreciated it.

The senders consistently guessed too low. The gap was larger when the message came as a surprise. We take that to mean that a long silence is a good reason to write.

What to do

Write first, and keep it short

You do not need a reason and you do not need to apologise for the silence. Say that something made you think of them, and ask how they are. Two sentences are enough.

In a series of experiments with more than 5,900 people, the person who sent a message guessed how much it would be appreciated, and the person who received it said how much they appreciated it. Senders consistently guessed too low. The gap was larger when the message was a surprise.

Limits of the study: An independent team repeated one of the experiments with 742 people. They found the same result, but the effect was small. The studies measured how much people appreciated the message, not whether the friendship started again.

Step 1: Go back to the same place

At school you made friends without trying, because you sat near the same people every day. Mitja Back and his colleagues showed how strong that is. On the first day of a course, they gave 54 new students seats at random.

A year later they asked the students about their friendships. Students who had sat next to each other on that first day, or only in the same row, rated their friendship as stronger than students who had sat further apart. One afternoon of sitting near each other, decided by chance, still showed a year later.

What to do

Choose one weekly thing and keep going

Pick a class, a club, a running group or a volunteer shift that meets every week, and go every week. The first visits can feel as if nothing is happening. After a few weeks people start to recognise you, and conversations become easier to start.

On their first day, 54 new students were given seats at random. A year later, students who had sat next to each other, or in the same row, rated their friendship as stronger than students who had sat further apart.

Limits of the study: This was one group of psychology students at one German university. It shows that being near someone by chance can matter a year later. It does not tell you how strong the effect is for adults.

Step 2: Make a small invitation

“We should meet up sometime” feels friendly and never turns into a plan, because nobody has to answer it. An invitation with a time and a place can be answered with yes or no.

People avoid asking because they expect a no. Flynn and Lake studied direct requests in the lab and in the field, and found that people underestimated how often others would say yes, by as much as half.

What to do

Invite them to something you are doing anyway

“I am going to the market on Saturday at ten. Do you want to come?” You are going anyway, so a no costs you nothing and the other person can see that. Ask once. If they cannot come, say “Another time,” and mean it.

In lab and field studies, people underestimated how often others would say yes to a direct request, by as much as 50%.

Limits of the study: The study looked at requests for help and favours, not invitations. Applying it to invitations is our own step.

Step 3: Make it repeat

Two hundred hours is a lot if you have to arrange every one of them. Each new invitation takes a little courage, and most friendships fade because both people stop arranging things.

A plan that repeats solves this. It can be a walk every Sunday, or dinner on the first Friday of the month. You invite people once, and after that the date is already fixed.

What to do

Fix the next date before everyone leaves

Keep it small, with two to four people, and make it easy to say yes to. The most useful habit is to agree the next date while you are still together. If you leave it for later, it often does not happen.

This is our own judgement. We know of no study that tests whether organising a regular plan makes friendships form faster. We take it from Hall's finding that friendship follows hours spent together, because a plan that repeats is the most reliable way we know to collect those hours.

An invitation is a question, and the other person is allowed to say no. If someone says no twice and does not suggest another time, stop asking and stay friendly. Most of the time, no means that they are busy. It does not mean that something is wrong with you.

Do not keep a score of who wrote last or who invited whom. In most friendships one person does more of the organising, and if that person is you, the friendship still counts.

These steps help with ordinary loneliness. If you have felt low or alone for a long time and it is affecting your sleep, your work or your health, please talk to a doctor as well. A course cannot do that job.