Does playing hard to get work?
Suaviq · checked · 4 sources
The short answer
Mostly no. In a 1973 paper, Walster and colleagues tested the popular belief that playing hard to get makes you more attractive. Five experiments found no effect. A sixth found an effect for only one specific version of the idea. You can still pace things honestly: keep your own plans, reply at your natural speed and leave conversations calmly, without ever leaving the other person unsure where they stand.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you a 1:36 video and 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
What does the research say about playing hard to get?
Less than the advice online suggests. Walster, Walster, Piliavin and Schmidt set out to test the belief that people want you more when you are hard to get. Their first five experiments found no effect. Their sixth found an effect, but only for one specific version of the idea.
So the popular claim is much wider than the result. If someone tells you that ignoring a person will make them chase you, that person is not quoting the research. This is also the topic in our course with the least research behind it, so we label which advice below is our own view.
Should you wait before you text back?
We say no, and we ask you to reply at your natural pace. If you are free, answer now, and if you are busy, answer later. Do not reply instantly on purpose, and do not make yourself wait twenty minutes to look relaxed.
This is a rule we choose to keep, not a research finding. In our experience, the other person notices a timed reply in the end and resents being played with. If you want to seem less available, the honest way is to be less available, because you have a life of your own.
What is the difference between restraint and playing games?
Restraint means you control your own pace. A game means you keep the other person unsure about where they stand. Our rule for this whole topic is short: you may limit how available you are, and you may never be dishonest.
In practice, restraint means you do not cancel your Thursday plans for someone who has only said maybe, and you offer them a time that works for you instead. You give the shorter version of a story and let them ask for the rest. In our view, a full week of your own is attractive because it is real, and it stops working the moment it becomes an act.
Be careful with holding back about yourself. In studies by Aron and colleagues, pairs of strangers who answered questions that became more and more personal felt closer than pairs who made small talk. So use the shorter answer rarely, and never to hide something the other person needs to know.
Why do some people come across as needy?
In our experience, neediness shows up in small habits more than in big feelings. You say something that lands well, then add a second sentence that softens it or takes it back. Or you rush out of a meeting while apologizing for leaving.
Clark and Wells, whose model has shaped the treatment of social anxiety, call habits like these safety behaviors. Over-explaining and softening help you avoid embarrassment in the moment, but they keep the anxiety going and draw attention to it. Their model was written about diagnosed social anxiety. Suaviq applies it to ordinary nerves, and it is practice, not therapy.
The fix is plain. When something goes down well, stop talking. When you leave, leave slowly, say one warm sentence, and go.
What should you do instead of playing hard to get?
Say one plain, true thing to the person you like. You might say “I really enjoyed tonight” or “I would like to see you again.” Bruk and colleagues found that people judge their own exposed moments more harshly than others judge the same act. Most of their studies asked people to imagine the situation.
History offers a warning here too. Lord Byron is in our course as a warning, because his 1812 affair with Caroline Lamb is as well documented for the damage it did as for its glamour. Mystery can draw people in, but mystery without care hurts them. If you hold back and never say anything honest, the other person has nobody to get to know.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from the Desire & Restraint topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
Reply when you can, not when it is clever
Answer messages at your natural pace today. Do not reply instantly on purpose, and do not make yourself wait for a set time.
Delaying your replies on purpose is a game. The other person notices it in the end and resents it.
Our opinion. This is a rule we choose to keep, not a research finding. We refuse to teach people to fake being hard to get, and this is how we put that into practice.
Step 2
The half-second
When someone asks you a real question today, pause for half a second before you answer, so they can see you thinking.
A short pause shows that you are thinking about your answer. An instant answer often sounds rehearsed.
Our opinion. This is our own judgment. We do not know of any study showing that a pause changes how people see you.
Step 3
Do not fill the gap
When you say something that goes down well, stop there. Do not add a second sentence that softens it or takes it back.
The softening sentence is your anxiety speaking. It tells people that you did not trust what you said first.
Clinical practice. Over-explaining and softening are common safety behaviors. People use them to avoid embarrassment, but they keep the anxiety going and draw attention to it. Clark & Wells (1995)
Step 4
Say less about yourself than you want to
Once today, give the shorter version of your answer. Let the other person ask for the rest.
When someone asks you for more, it shows they are interested. If you tell them everything straight away, they never get the chance to ask.
Our opinion. This is our own view, and it partly conflicts with the research: sharing personal things in turns usually makes people feel closer. Use it rarely, and never to hold back something the other person needs to know.
Step 5
Keep your week
This week, do not change your plans for someone who has only said maybe. Offer them a time that really works for you.
A full life of your own is attractive because it is real. It does not work as an act.
Our opinion. This is our own view. The closest research is the work on self-expansion in Topic 06. What matters is having a life to share, not looking as if you have one.
Step 6
The unhurried goodbye
When you leave today, leave slowly. Do not fumble, do not apologize for going, and do not explain too much.
Most of what makes a person seem needy happens in the last thirty seconds of a meeting.
Clinical practice. Rushing away is a safety behavior. It brings relief now and makes the fear stronger next time. Clark & Wells (1995)
Step 7
Anticipation over information
Describe a place you would like to take them. Do not list facts about yourself.
A list of facts makes people judge you. A picture of a place makes them imagine being there with you.
From history. Cleopatra arranged a spectacular first meeting at Tarsus and did not describe herself at all. Plutarch writes that her real power was in her conversation, not her looks.
Step 8
Catch the moment you start performing
Notice the exact sentence where you stop talking naturally and start trying to impress. Write it down afterwards.
You cannot stop a habit until you can see it.
Clinical practice. Moving your attention outward, away from watching yourself, is one of the things that makes cognitive therapy for social anxiety work. Clark & Wells (1995)
Step 9
State one thing plainly
This week, say one plain, true thing to someone you are attracted to. Do not try to be mysterious.
If you hold back and are never honest either, you are simply not there.
From history. Byron is in this course as a warning. His 1812 affair with Caroline Lamb is as well documented for the damage it did as for its glamour.
Sign up free with your email. Watch the lesson, then try the first exercise with real people, and come back to say how it went.
Common questions
Do people like someone who is a challenge?
The research is weaker than the belief. Walster and colleagues ran five experiments on playing hard to get and found no effect. A sixth experiment found an effect for only one specific version of the idea. Being busy with a real life of your own is different from pretending, and in our view only the real version lasts.
Is it bad to text back right away?
No. Reply when it suits you, at your natural pace. We teach people never to delay replies on purpose or set a timer before answering. That rule is our own choice, not a research finding, because a timed reply is a game, and in our experience people notice games and resent them.
Should you tell someone you like them?
Yes, in one plain sentence, and at a pace that suits you both. Bruk and colleagues found that people judge their own vulnerable moments more harshly than others judge the same act. Most of those studies used imagined situations. You cannot control how the other person answers, but a clear sentence gives them something real to answer.
How do you build anticipation without games?
Describe a place you would like to take them instead of listing facts about yourself. A picture of an evening invites them to imagine it with you. Cleopatra is said to have arranged a spectacular first meeting at Tarsus, though Plutarch wrote generations later. This is history and our own view, not evidence that the method works.
Sources
- Walster, Walster, Piliavin & Schmidt (1973). “Playing Hard to Get”: Understanding an Elusive Phenomenon.
- Aron, Melinat, Aron, Vallone & Bator (1997). The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness.
- Clark & Wells (1995). A Cognitive Model of Social Phobia.
- Bruk, Scholl & Bless (2018). Beautiful Mess Effect: Self–Other Differences in Evaluation of Showing Vulnerability.