How do you sound more confident when you speak?
Suaviq · checked · 4 sources
The short answer
Take one low breath before you start, so you do not begin short of air. Say your first sentence at about three-quarters of your normal speed, let your voice go down at the end of sentences, and close your mouth for a moment where you would say “um”. When you finish, stop. Most of this advice comes from people who speak for a living, because research on voice and being liked is thin.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you a 1:12 video and 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
Why do you sound nervous when you talk?
When you are nervous, you often start speaking before you have enough air. In our experience, that is what makes a voice fast, high and thin. Taking one breath low in your body before you speak is the simplest fix we know.
Clark and Wells, whose model has shaped the treatment of social anxiety, describe a loop. Physical symptoms and watching yourself make each other worse, and as your attention turns to how you come across, you come across worse. Their model was written about diagnosed social anxiety, and Suaviq is practice, not therapy.
This topic has less research behind it than any other in our course. Most studies on voice are about persuasion and hiring, and few are about being liked in a conversation. Each tip below says where it comes from.
Does your voice change how people judge what you say?
In one set of studies, it did. Schroeder and Epley had some evaluators hear a job candidate give a short pitch, while others read the same words. The people who heard it rated the candidate as more intelligent, more thoughtful and more likable, and were more interested in hiring them.
These were job pitches, judged by recruiters and by untrained people. We borrow the explanation for everyday talk: a voice shows that a mind is behind the words. So when you have something thoughtful to say to someone, say it out loud.
How do you slow down when you are nervous?
Slow down the first sentence most of all. Say it at about three-quarters of your normal speed. In our experience, nerves make the first sentence the fastest one you say all evening, and it sets the pace for the rest.
We know of no clear finding on speaking speed and being liked in conversation. The studies that exist are about persuasion, and they disagree with each other. Treat this as practice advice and see how it feels.
To train your pace over time, read something out loud for five minutes a day for a week. Poetry works best, and a news article is fine too. Actors and broadcasters do this as standard practice, though we have no controlled evidence that it carries over to conversation.
How do you stop saying um?
When you feel an “um” coming, close your mouth for that moment instead. A silent pause sounds like thinking. This is a technique from people who speak for a living, and we have no study to cite for it.
Keep your pauses inside your own sentences, and avoid a long gap before you answer someone. Templeton and colleagues found that shorter gaps between turns went with feeling more connected, in talks between strangers and between friends. They measured the gaps in fractions of a second, so the finding does not mean you should rush or skip a moment to think.
What makes a voice sound unsure at the end of a sentence?
Two habits do most of the damage. The first is a voice that rises at the end, so a statement sounds like a question. Say your name out loud now, once rising and once falling, and listen to the difference.
The second is the small extra you add when you finish: a nervous laugh, an “anyway”, or a summary of what you just said. When you finish speaking, stop. Both of these tips are our own view, and we found no research clear enough to cite for them.
If you want to check your habits, record yourself talking for two minutes about something you like. Listen once and notice one thing, then leave it for a week. Rachman and colleagues found that replaying a social event in detail kept anxiety going, so the limit of one listen is ours, based on that finding.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from the How You Sound topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
Take the breath first
Before you speak in a group, take one breath low in your body. Then start.
Anxious speech starts without enough air. That is what makes it fast, high and thin. The fix comes before the voice.
Clinical practice. In the standard model of social anxiety, physical symptoms and watching yourself make each other worse. Your attention turns to how you are coming across, and that makes you come across worse. Clark & Wells (1995)
Step 2
Read aloud for five minutes
Read something out loud for five minutes a day for a week. Poetry is best, and a news article will also work.
It is the only exercise here that trains the voice directly. It works on your breath, your pace and your sentence endings at the same time.
Our opinion. This is our own view. Actors and broadcasters do this as standard practice. We have no controlled evidence that it carries over to conversation.
Step 3
Slow the first sentence
Say the first sentence of a conversation at about three-quarters of your normal speed.
The first sentence sets the pace for the whole conversation, and nerves make it the fastest sentence you say all evening.
Our opinion. This is our own view. We know of no clear finding on speaking speed and being liked in conversation. The findings that exist are about persuasion, and they disagree with each other.
Step 4
Pause instead of filling
When you are about to say “um”, close your mouth for that moment.
A pause sounds like thinking. An “um” sounds like a fear of being interrupted, and nobody interrupts you.
Our opinion. This is our own view. It is a technique from people who speak for a living.
Step 5
Land the ends of your sentences
End your sentences with your voice going down, not up. Say one out loud now, both ways, and hear the difference.
When your voice rises at the end, it sounds as if you are asking permission to have spoken. Most people do it most when they say their own name.
Our opinion. This is our own view. Research on intonation exists, but we found nothing clear enough to cite for this instruction, and we prefer to say so.
Step 6
Match the volume, not the energy
Speak at the same volume as the people around you. Do not try to match someone else's energy.
A difference in volume makes a conversation feel like hard work. A difference in energy is just two different people, and that is fine.
Our opinion. This is our own view.
Step 7
Say it aloud rather than writing it
When you have something thoughtful to say to someone, say it out loud. Do not write it.
Your voice carries your thinking. The same words on a page lose it.
Research. Some evaluators heard a job candidate give a short pitch, and others read the same words. Those who heard it rated the candidate as more intelligent, more thoughtful and more likeable, and were more interested in hiring them. Schroeder & Epley (2015)
Step 8
But do not let the pause become a gap
Pause inside your own sentences. Do not pause between the other person's turn and yours.
These two pauses have opposite effects. A pause in the middle of a sentence sounds calm. A gap before you answer sounds distant.
Research. In conversations between strangers and between friends, shorter gaps between turns went with feeling more connected. People listening from outside could hear the difference too. Templeton, Chang, Reynolds, Cone LeBeaumont & Wheatley (2022)
Step 9
Record yourself once
Record yourself talking for two minutes about something you like. Listen once and notice one thing. Do not listen again this week.
Listening once gives you information. Listening five times is watching yourself too closely, and this course exists to reduce that.
Clinical practice. Replaying a social event in detail afterwards kept the anxiety going and did not resolve it. It also predicted a more negative view of oneself. Rachman, Grüter-Andrew & Shafran (2000)
Step 10
Stop performing the last sentence
When you finish speaking, stop. Do not add a small laugh, an “anyway”, or a summary of what you just said.
Your confidence leaks out in those extra words at the end. They are the easiest thing on this list to remove.
Our opinion. This is our own view.
Sign up free with your email. Watch the lesson, then try the first exercise with real people, and come back to say how it went.
Common questions
How can I make my voice sound more confident?
Breathe low before you start, slow your first sentence, end your sentences with your voice going down, and stop when you have finished without adding a laugh or “anyway”. These are practice tips from people who speak for a living. Research on voice and being liked in conversation is limited.
Does speaking slowly make you sound more confident?
We know of no clear finding that links speaking speed to being liked in conversation, and the studies on speed and persuasion disagree with each other. In our experience, slowing only your first sentence to about three-quarters of your normal speed helps, because nerves make that sentence the fastest one.
Should I record my voice to improve it?
Once is useful. Record two minutes about something you like, listen once, and notice one thing. Rachman and colleagues found that replaying social events in detail kept anxiety going, so we suggest you do not keep listening. The one-listen limit is our own rule, based on that research.
Do people judge you by your voice?
In studies by Schroeder and Epley, evaluators who heard a job pitch rated the candidate as more intelligent, more thoughtful and more likable than evaluators who read the same words. Those studies used job pitches, not everyday conversation, so they tell you a voice adds something, not how much it matters at a party.
Sources
- Clark & Wells (1995). A Cognitive Model of Social Phobia.
- Schroeder & Epley (2015). The Sound of Intellect: Speech Reveals a Thoughtful Mind, Increasing a Job Candidate's Appeal.
- Templeton, Chang, Reynolds, Cone LeBeaumont & Wheatley (2022). Fast Response Times Signal Social Connection in Conversation.
- Rachman, Grüter-Andrew & Shafran (2000). Post-Event Processing in Social Anxiety.