How do you get out of the friend zone?
Suaviq · checked · 3 sources
The short answer
Find out instead of waiting. First, be honest with yourself about what you want. Then make one clear move: suggest a plan for just the two of you, and tell them plainly that you are interested in more than friendship. Give them an easy way to say no, accept their first answer, and treat them the same afterwards. No method turns a no into a yes, but a clear answer beats years of guessing.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you a 1:07 video and 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
Can you get out of the friend zone?
Sometimes the friendship turns into more, and sometimes it does not. Nothing you say will turn a no into a yes, and you should distrust anyone who sells a method for that. What you can do is find out honestly and quickly.
Both answers are good outcomes. A yes gives you a relationship, and a no lets you stop waiting. The painful option is staying unclear for months or years, so this guide is about asking the question out loud.
How do you know what you really want from them?
Before you do anything, write one paragraph that only you will read. Do you want a relationship, one night, or the feeling of being chosen by this person? In our experience, many of these situations end here, because the honest answer is different from what you have been acting on.
Writing a thought down in specific words is a standard first step in practical methods for nervousness. A vague fear is hard to examine, and a specific sentence on paper is easier to judge.
How do you show a friend you like them?
Meet them once somewhere new, away from the group, the office and the usual place. Part of a friendship depends on where it happens. Aron and colleagues found that couples who did a new and exciting seven-minute task together rated their relationship higher than couples who did a dull one. Those were established couples, so we borrow the idea, not the result.
Then give one compliment that is clearly romantic and could not be taken as friendly. Say it once and leave it there. A long run of hints that you can deny later protects you and leaves the other person confused, and in our view it makes them carry your risk.
Next, suggest a place and a time for just the two of you, and say clearly that it is for just the two of you. Flynn and Lake found that people underestimate, by up to half, how likely others are to say yes to a direct request. Their study was about requests for help, not dates, so take it as a hint, not proof.
What do you say to tell a friend you have feelings?
Keep it short and give them an easy way to say no: “I have been interested in you as more than a friend. If that is not mutual I would rather know, and I would like to keep the friendship.” Then stop talking.
Tell them out loud that a no will change nothing about how you treat them. It costs you nothing, and it removes their fear that being honest will cost them a friend. That promise only means something if you keep it.
Whatever they say, accept it the first time. Do not bring it up again later that night or the next week. Asking twice turns their decision into pressure from you, and that is the line we will not teach past.
What if they say no?
For two weeks, act exactly as you promised. Do not sulk, pull away or punish them with silence. This is the harder half, and it shows whether the friendship was real or a way of waiting.
Then decide to stop hoping, and say it to yourself in those words. Rachman and colleagues found that after an upsetting social event, people kept going over it again and again, and this went with avoiding similar situations afterwards. In our view, hope that you never settle is what keeps the replaying going.
If you cannot be their friend without waiting for more, tell them kindly and step back: “I need some distance. It is nothing you did.” Sometimes the right result is a smaller friendship, or none, and that is still a clear answer.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from the Out of the Friendzone topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
Write down what you actually want
Write one paragraph that only you will read. What do you want: a relationship, one night, or the feeling of being chosen?
About half of these situations end at this step, because the honest answer is different from what you have been acting on.
Clinical practice. Writing a thought down in specific words is the first step of a thought record. A vague fear is hard to examine. A specific belief is easier. Clark & Wells (1995)
Step 2
Change the context once
Meet them once somewhere new: not with the group, not at the office, not in the usual place.
A friendship partly depends on where it happens. A new place is the easiest way to find out whether there is anything more.
Research. In three experiments, couples who did a new and exciting seven-minute task together reported a better relationship afterwards than couples who did a dull task. Aron, Norman, Aron, McKenna & Heyman (2000)
Step 3
Signal once, do not hint
Give one compliment that is clearly romantic and could not be taken as friendly. Do it once, then leave it.
Hints protect you and confuse the other person. One clear signal is kinder than six months of uncertainty.
Our opinion. This is our own view, and it is about fairness. The alternative is a long series of signals you can deny later, which makes the other person carry your risk.
Step 4
Ask for something specific
Suggest a place and a time for just the two of you, and say clearly that it is for just the two of you.
Being vague is a polite way of avoiding the question. A specific invitation gives them something real to answer.
Research. People underestimate, by up to half, how likely others are to say yes to a direct and specific request. Flynn & Lake (2008)
Step 5
Give the exit explicitly
Tell them out loud that a no will change nothing about how you treat them.
It costs you nothing, and it removes their fear that being honest will cost them a friend.
Our opinion. This is our own view. It only works if you then do exercise 08, which is the harder half.
Step 6
Take the first no as the answer
Whatever they say, accept it the first time. Do not bring it up again later that night.
If you ask twice, their decision becomes pressure from you.
Our opinion. This is not a technique, and we do not debate it. It is the line between courtship and pressure, and we do not teach anything beyond it.
Step 7
Say the sentence
“I have been interested in you as more than a friend. If that is not mutual I would rather know, and I would like to keep the friendship.”
It is short and honest, and it gives them an easy way to say no.
From history. Saint-Simon writes that Ninon de l'Enclos ended her affairs plainly, and that her former lovers stayed friends, “only too happy to be allowed to visit as a familiar friend”.
Step 8
Then behave like it
For two weeks, act exactly as you promised. Do not sulk, do not pull away, and do not punish them with silence.
This is where most people show that the friendship was only a way of waiting.
Our opinion. This is about character, not technique. There is no study to cite.
Step 9
Withdraw the hope, keep the person
Make a clear decision to stop waiting. Say it to yourself in those words.
Hope that is never settled is what keeps you going over it again and again.
Research. After an upsetting social event, people kept going over it again and again. This was linked to social anxiety (r ≈ .40) and to avoiding similar situations afterwards. Rachman, Grüter-Andrew & Shafran (2000)
Step 10
Or leave, warmly
If you cannot be their friend without waiting for more, tell them kindly and step back. “I need some distance. It is nothing you did.”
If your friendship is really a way of waiting in line, it is not kind to either of you.
Our opinion. This is our own view, and it is the honest end of this topic. Sometimes the right result is a smaller friendship, or none.
Sign up free with your email. Watch the lesson, then try the first exercise with real people, and come back to say how it went.
Common questions
Is the friend zone real?
People use the phrase for a friendship where one person wants more and has not said so. The problem is usually the unasked question. If you tell them clearly and give them an easy way to say no, you either start something new or learn the answer. Either way, you stop guessing.
Should you tell a friend you have feelings for them?
If you have wanted more for a long time, yes, once and plainly. Say what you feel, say you would rather know if it is not mutual, and say you want to keep the friendship. Then accept the first answer and treat them the same as before.
Will telling them ruin the friendship?
It can change it, and no one can promise how they will react. You make it safer by telling them a no will change nothing, then keeping that promise for the weeks after. If you cannot stay friends without waiting for more, step back kindly instead of drifting away.
How do you get over a friend who does not like you back?
Make a clear decision to stop waiting, and say it to yourself in those words. Going over it again and again is common after an upsetting moment, and in our view unsettled hope keeps it going. If seeing them keeps the hope alive, take some distance and tell them it is nothing they did.
Sources
- Aron, Norman, Aron, McKenna & Heyman (2000). Couples' Shared Participation in Novel and Arousing Activities and Experienced Relationship Quality.
- Flynn & Lake (2008). If You Need Help, Just Ask: Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help.
- Rachman, Grüter-Andrew & Shafran (2000). Post-Event Processing in Social Anxiety.