The Blank

Why your mind goes blank

It is your turn to speak and there is nothing in your head. An hour later you think of ten things you could have said. So the words were there. Something was in their way.

The leading model of social anxiety, from Clark and Wells, says what that something is. When you are nervous in company, you turn your attention inwards. You check your voice, your face and your hands, and you build a picture of how you must look to the other person. That checking is a second job, and you do it at the same time as the conversation.

You have less room for a second job than usual, too. Tim Moran combined 177 samples with 22,061 people and found that more anxious people scored lower on tests of working memory. Working memory is the small mental space you use to hold what was just said and work out a reply.

What to do

Treat the blank as a sign that you are watching yourself

When your head empties, do not search harder for words. Notice where your attention is. It will almost always be on yourself. Move it back to the other person, and you free the space you need.

A review of 177 samples with 22,061 people found that more anxious people scored lower on tests of working memory, which is the small mental space you use to hold and use information from moment to moment.

Limits of the study: The review shows a link and does not show which causes which. The tests were memory tasks, not conversations. Treating self-checking as a second job that uses the same space is our own explanation.

Your nerves show less than you think

You watch yourself because you believe your nerves are obvious. Psychologists call this the illusion of transparency: your feelings are so loud to you that you assume other people can see them.

Savitsky and Gilovich tested what happens when you correct that belief. Students had to give a short speech. One group was told beforehand that nervousness is much less visible to an audience than it feels. A second group was only told not to worry, and a third group was told nothing.

The group that knew the facts gave better speeches. They rated their own speeches higher, and so did the people who watched them.

What to do

Say the fact to yourself

“They can see much less of this than I think.” It is a statement about other people's eyes, and the research supports it. You do not have to feel calm for it to be true.

People had to give a short speech. One group was told beforehand that nervousness is much less visible to an audience than it feels. That group gave better speeches than a group that was only reassured and a group that was told nothing. The speakers thought so, and so did the people watching.

Limits of the study: The participants were university students giving a prepared speech. Applying the finding to an ordinary conversation is our own step.

Step 1: Look at them, not at yourself

Leigh, Chiu and Clark tested this directly. Each of 57 pupils had two five-minute conversations with an adult they had never met. In one conversation the pupils were asked to watch themselves and hide their nerves. In the other they were asked to pay attention to the adult.

When the pupils watched themselves, they felt more anxious and thought they had done worse. The adults, who did not know what the study was about, also rated them as more anxious and less likeable. When the pupils paid attention to the adult, all of those results improved.

What to do

Give your attention a job outside yourself

Listen to the exact words. Look at the other person's face and work out what they seem to feel. When you catch yourself checking your voice or your hands, move your attention back to them, as many times as you need to.

Each of 57 pupils had two five-minute conversations with an adult they did not know. In one, they watched themselves and tried to hide their nerves. In the other, they paid attention to the adult. When they watched themselves they felt more anxious and thought they had done worse. The adults also rated them as more anxious and less likeable.

Limits of the study: The pupils were 11 to 14 years old, in two schools in the United Kingdom. The study measured single conversations. Applying it to adults is our own step, although an earlier study of adults points the same way.

Step 2: Do not prepare your next sentence

Planning your next sentence while the other person talks feels safe. Researchers who study social anxiety call habits like this safety behaviours. McManus, Sacadura and Clark found that when anxious adults used more of them and watched themselves more, they felt more anxious, judged themselves more harshly and came across worse to the person they were talking to.

The reason is simple. While you plan, you stop listening. Then the conversation moves on, your planned sentence no longer fits, and you have nothing else ready.

What to do

If nothing comes, repeat their last few words

Listen until they finish, take a breath, and answer what they said. If your head is empty, repeat their last few words as a question: “Three years in Lisbon?” It is the shortest follow-up question there is. They carry on talking, and you have time to think.

Adults with high social anxiety had conversations in a lab. When the researchers changed how much the adults used their safety habits and how much they watched themselves, their anxiety changed, their opinion of their own performance changed, and the way they came across to the other person changed too.

Limits of the study: These were volunteers, not patients, and the conversations were short and arranged. The paper studies safety habits as a group. Choosing the habit of planning sentences is our own step.

Step 3: Say that you went blank

A silence that you try to hide grows. You search for something clever, the seconds pass, and the search itself empties your head further.

Bruk, Scholl and Bless found that people judge their own moments of vulnerability much more harshly than they judge the same moments in others. When someone else admits a weakness, we tend to see courage.

What to do

One sentence, then a question

“I have lost my thought. What were you saying about your sister?” Say it once and do not apologise again. The other person gets the conversation back, and the pause is over in three seconds.

People judged their own moments of vulnerability more harshly than the same moments in other people. In others, they saw them as courage, not weakness.

Limits of the study: Most of the studies asked people to imagine situations such as admitting a mistake or asking for help. Losing your thought in a conversation was not one of them, so applying the finding here is our own step.

You do not have to fill every silence. Other people notice your awkward moments far less than you do, and a short pause is a normal part of talking.

These steps are for ordinary nerves. If you avoid people because of the fear, or it affects your work, your studies or your health, please talk to a doctor or a therapist. Social anxiety disorder is common and it responds well to treatment. A course cannot replace that.