How do you tease someone playfully without hurting them?
Suaviq · checked · 2 sources
The short answer
Tease someone about something they like in themselves, never about something they keep quiet about. With someone you do not know well, joke about the situation you share, like the queue or the weather, instead of about them. Keep it light, do not explain a joke that fails, and stop as soon as they stop playing. Research on teasing suggests that the person being teased decides whether it feels like affection or an attack.
Reading this will not change how you talk to people. Practicing will. Suaviq gives you a 1:03 video and 10 real-life exercises for this, easy ones first.
What makes teasing playful instead of mean?
In a review of a large body of research, Keltner and colleagues describe teasing as deliberately unclear. A tease is an insult delivered with signals that it is not meant seriously. Your smile, your tone of voice or an obvious exaggeration tells the other person that you are not attacking.
Because a tease is unclear on purpose, the other person decides what it means. The review's main claim is that the person being teased decides whether it is affection or aggression, and your intention does not settle it. So treat each tease as an offer. Make it easy for them to accept and just as easy to ignore.
What is safe to tease someone about?
Tease people about things they are proud of. If a friend loves their ancient car, you can joke about the car. If they keep quiet about their weight or their job, leave it alone. The same sentence can sound affectionate or hurtful depending on what it is aimed at, and they will know which one you chose.
With someone new, joke about the situation and not the person. Keltner's review found that teasing is more likely to be taken as hostile when the relationship is new or when the difference in status between two people is large. This matters at work, where the same joke can land differently coming from a manager than from a coworker.
A safe kind of humor with a stranger is the absurd version of something you both already know. Stuck in a long queue, you might say, “I think I live here now.” You are agreeing with them instead of testing them. This is our own view, not a research finding.
How do you get better at being playful?
Start where nothing is at stake. Once a day, when someone asks “How are you?” or “How was your weekend?”, give an answer that is true and a little silly, like “Good. I finally won an argument with my toaster.” In our experience, a routine question is the easiest place to practice, because nobody listens closely to the answer anyway.
Laugh at other people's jokes before you try to be funny yourself. It shows you are safe to joke with, and few people do it first. Later, try bringing back something they said an hour ago or last week. It shows you were listening, and it arrives as a joke instead of a compliment. Both of these are our own advice, not tested in a study.
What should you do when a joke falls flat?
Let it go. Do not try a second version, and do not explain it. The explanation is the truly awkward part, because the failed joke was already finished.
You will notice the failed joke far more than anyone else does. In a series of experiments, Gilovich and colleagues found that people greatly overestimated how much others noticed their appearance and their mistakes, and observers remembered much less than the person assumed. Those studies used embarrassing T-shirts and lab tasks, not jokes. Still, the people around you are probably thinking about your joke less than you are.
When does teasing go too far?
When the other person stops playing, you stop too. If they go quiet, give a short answer or change the subject, the game is over for now. If one person has stopped and the other keeps going, it is no longer play. In our view, this one rule matters more than any joke you could make.
Before you make a joke, ask who it costs. If the answer is someone in the room, do not make it. Everyone in the room knows who a joke was aimed at, including the people who laugh. This is our own rule, and every playful exercise on this page stays inside it.
Teasing someone you like follows the same rules. Aim at what they are proud of, keep it light, and watch whether they play back. If they do not, go back to plain warmth and questions, which ask nothing of them.
Exercises to practice, easiest first
These come from the Playing topic. Do one a day, and move to the next when it stops feeling hard.
Step 1
Answer one boring question playfully
Once a day, when someone asks “how are you” or “how was your weekend”, answer with something true and a little silly.
A routine question is the easiest place to practice, because nobody listens closely to the answer anyway.
Our opinion. This is our own view.
Step 2
Laugh at theirs first
Laugh at other people's jokes before you try to be funny yourself.
It is the easiest way to show that you are safe to joke with, and almost nobody does it first.
Our opinion. This is our own view.
Step 3
Play with the situation, not the person
When you do not know someone well, joke about the queue, the weather, or the situation you are both stuck in.
People only understand teasing correctly when they know you. Until then, the situation is safe ground.
Research. Teasing is more likely to be taken as hostile when the relationship is new or when the difference in status is large. Keltner, Capps, Kring, Young & Heerey (2001)
Step 4
Say the absurd version
Take something that you both already know and say an exaggerated version of it out loud.
It is the safest kind of humor with a stranger, because you are agreeing with them and not testing them.
Our opinion. This is our own view.
Step 5
Bring something back
Mention something they said earlier, an hour later or a week later.
Bringing it up again proves that you were listening, and it arrives as a joke and not as a claim.
Our opinion. This is our own view. It is the callback from Topic 02, used across a longer time. We have no study for it.
Step 6
Do not explain it
If a joke does not work, let it go. Do not try a second version, and do not explain it.
The explanation is the only truly awkward part. The joke that failed was already finished.
Research. In a series of experiments, people greatly overestimated how much others noticed their appearance and their mistakes. Observers remembered much less than the person assumed. Gilovich, Medvec & Savitsky (2000)
Step 7
Tease what they are proud of
If you tease someone, tease them about something they like in themselves. Never tease them about something they keep quiet about.
The same sentence can be affectionate or hurtful, depending only on what it is aimed at. They know which one you chose.
Research. Researchers describe teasing as deliberately unclear: it is an insult delivered with signals that it is not meant seriously. Its effect depends a lot on the relationship and on the difference in status between the two people. Keltner, Capps, Kring, Young & Heerey (2001)
Step 8
Notice who the joke costs
Before you make a joke, ask who it is at the expense of. If the answer is someone in the room, do not make it.
Everyone in the room knows who a joke was aimed at, including the people who laugh.
Our opinion. This is our own view, and it is the limit that this whole topic stays within.
Step 9
Stop when they stop
When the other person stops playing, you stop too.
If one person has stopped and the other continues, it is no longer play. This one instruction is the whole ethic of the topic.
Research. The review's main claim is that teasing is unclear on purpose. The person being teased decides whether it is affection or aggression. The teaser's intention does not decide it. Keltner, Capps, Kring, Young & Heerey (2001)
Sign up free with your email. Watch the lesson, then try the first exercise with real people, and come back to say how it went.
Common questions
How do you tease someone you like?
The same way you tease a friend: about something they are proud of, lightly, and only while they seem to enjoy it. If you do not know them well yet, joke about the situation you share instead of about them. Stop when they stop playing. A good tease is easy to accept and just as easy to ignore.
How should you respond when someone teases you?
If it feels friendly, play along by agreeing and exaggerating: “Yes, I own eleven scarves, and I am not stopping.” If it hurts, say so calmly: “That one stung a bit.” Research describes teasing as deliberately unclear, and the person being teased decides what it means, so you are allowed to decide it was not funny.
What is the difference between playful teasing and being mean?
Playful teasing aims at something the other person is proud of, comes with clear signals that you are joking, and stops when they stop playing. When a joke targets something they are sensitive about, or keeps going after they have stopped laughing, it is no longer play. In the end, the person being teased decides which one it was.
Sources
- Keltner, Capps, Kring, Young & Heerey (2001). Just Teasing: A Conceptual Analysis and Empirical Review.
- Gilovich, Medvec & Savitsky (2000). The Spotlight Effect in Social Judgment.