Topic 07
FreeThe Carnegie Method
Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People has sold tens of millions of copies, and people quote it more often than they read it. The principles below are our summaries, not his sentences. We test each one against what psychology has found since, including two places where the research disagrees with him.
This topic
10 exercises
Next: Skip the correction
The main idea
Make people feel important, and mean it. If you do not mean it, you are tricking them.
How we read the book
Carnegie (1936) · How to Win Friends and Influence People
What holds up
The core of the book has held up very well: pay attention to the other person, ask more than you tell, and say your appreciation out loud. Controlled research confirmed several of his ideas decades later.
What does not
The book is made of stories, not evidence. Carnegie drew general rules from salesmen, Lincoln and dinner parties, and the book contains no data. When later research tested his claims, some held up and some did not.
The risk in it
Every technique here works on a person whether or not you like them, and that is what makes it dangerous. Carnegie's own aim, to make the other person eagerly want what you want, is the point where charm turns into selling. We teach the attention and refuse the selling.
Principles below are our paraphrases, not the author's sentences. Suaviq is not affiliated with, endorsed by or connected to Dale Carnegie & Associates.
Evidence in this topic
6 Research4 Our opinionSkip the correction
DifficultyCarnegie (1936), in our words — Do not open with criticism, condemnation or complaint.
For one day, notice every urge to correct someone about something that does not matter. Let each urge pass.
Why this helps: A correction wins you a small point and loses you the goodwill of the people around you.
Our opinionRead our note ▾Hide ▴
Carnegie based this on stories, and we agree with him. But we know of no study showing that holding back small corrections makes people like you more.
Say the appreciation out loud
DifficultyCarnegie (1936), in our words — Give honest, specific appreciation rather than flattery.
Tell one person today exactly what they did that you valued. Do not only say thanks. Name the thing.
Why this helps: Appreciation that you keep to yourself does nothing.
ResearchGrant & Gino (2010)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
When a director thanked university fundraisers for their work, they made about 50% more calls the following week. The effect came from feeling valued by others, not from feeling more capable.
For this exercise: This was a study of motivation at work, not of charm. We are borrowing its explanation, which is that people respond to feeling valued.
Arrive curious about one person
DifficultyCarnegie (1936), in our words — Become genuinely interested in other people.
Before an event, choose one person and decide that you will find out something real about them.
Why this helps: A decision you made in advance still holds when your nerve goes.
ResearchHuang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Asking questions, and follow-up questions most of all, made people more liked in chat studies and in speed dating. The authors' explanation is that questions show you are listening and that you care.
Limits of the study: The studies were online chats and speed dates between people meeting for the first time. They did not test people who already know each other well.
Smile first, and mean it
DifficultyCarnegie (1936), in our words — Smile.
Three times today, smile at someone before they smile at you.
Why this helps: Everyone silently wonders whether you are safe to approach. A smile answers that.
ResearchColes et al., Many Smiles Collaboration (2022); Wagenmakers et al. (2016)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Carnegie also claimed that smiling changes your own mood. The evidence for that is weak. In 2016, 17 labs repeated the classic pen-in-mouth experiment and did not get the original result. In 2022, a study across 26 labs found small effects, and the smallest came from the pen task.
For this exercise: So here is the honest position. Smile because it tells people you are approachable. We cannot promise it will make you happier.
Use the name once, not four times
DifficultyCarnegie (1936), in our words — Remember and use a person's name.
Say the person's name once when you learn it, to help you remember it. After that, do not keep using it.
Why this helps: Repeating someone's name is one of the most obvious techniques there is. Everyone has met a salesman who does it.
Our opinionRead our note ▾Hide ▴
This is Carnegie's most quoted claim and one of his least supported. We found no solid evidence that using someone's name in conversation makes them like you more. So we teach you to remember the name, and we leave out the repeating.
Let them talk twice as long
DifficultyCarnegie (1936), in our words — Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves.
In one conversation today, aim to speak for about a third of the time.
Why this helps: You give them something they enjoy more than anything you could have said.
ResearchTamir & Mitchell (2012)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Talking about yourself activates the reward areas of the brain. In five studies, people gave up money for the chance to do it.
Limits of the study: The studies used brain scans and choices about money in a lab. They show that talking about yourself is rewarding for the person talking. They do not show that quieter people are liked more.
For this exercise: The studies used brain scans and choices made in a lab. They show that talking about yourself is rewarding. They do not show that quieter people are liked more.
Open on their subject, not yours
DifficultyCarnegie (1936), in our words — Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
Start one conversation with the subject they care about, even if it bores you.
Why this helps: It costs you fifteen minutes of attention. In return, they leave the conversation feeling better.
ResearchKardas, Kumar & Epley (2022)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
People regularly expect conversations, and serious ones most of all, to be more awkward than they turn out to be. That is why this feels riskier than it is.
Limits of the study: The studies used strangers, in labs and in real settings, mostly in the United States. They measured the gap between expected and actual awkwardness. They did not measure the long-term effect of deeper conversations.
Make one person feel important, sincerely
DifficultyCarnegie (1936), in our words — Make the other person feel important, and be sincere about it.
Find something you really admire about someone. Tell them what it is and why.
Why this helps: The important word in that sentence is “really”.
ResearchReis, Clark & Holmes (2004)Read the study ▾Hide ▴
Researchers call it perceived responsiveness: the feeling that someone pays attention to who you really are and values it. It is the main idea behind research on closeness in relationships, and it is linked to people's well-being.
Limits of the study: This is a theory chapter that reviews other research. It is not an experiment. It defines responsiveness and argues that it matters, but it does not test any particular way of showing it.
Come back with the detail
DifficultyCarnegie (1936), in our words — Remember what matters to the other person.
Remember one specific detail from a conversation. Mention it the next time you see them.
Why this helps: Almost nobody does this, and that is why it works.
Our opinionRead our note ▾Hide ▴
This is our own technique. It is the callback from Topic 02, used across days and not minutes. We have no study for it.
Name the overlap out loud
DifficultyCarnegie (1936), in our words — Arouse in the other person an eager want.
When you want something from someone, tell them plainly what they will get out of it. If they will get nothing, tell them that.
Why this helps: This is where we disagree with Carnegie.
Our opinionRead our note ▾Hide ▴
Carnegie teaches you to present what you want as if it were what they want. We teach you to state both and let them choose. The difference is whether the other person can see the deal. That is the whole ethical distance between charm and selling.
Sources cited in this topic
- 01Grant & Gino (2010). A Little Thanks Goes a Long Way: Explaining Why Gratitude Expressions Motivate Prosocial Behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(6).
- 02Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017). It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3).
- 03Coles et al., Many Smiles Collaboration (2022); Wagenmakers et al. (2016). A Multi-Lab Test of the Facial Feedback Hypothesis; Registered Replication Report: Strack, Martin & Stepper (1988). Nature Human Behaviour, 6; Perspectives on Psychological Science, 11(6).
- 04Tamir & Mitchell (2012). Disclosing Information About the Self Is Intrinsically Rewarding. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 109(21).
- 05Kardas, Kumar & Epley (2022). Overly Shallow?: Miscalibrated Expectations Create a Barrier to Deeper Conversation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 122(3).
- 06Reis, Clark & Holmes (2004). Perceived Partner Responsiveness as an Organizing Construct in the Study of Intimacy and Closeness. In Mashek & Aron (eds), Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy.
Where an exercise is labelled our reading, no study backs it. We say so openly.
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Disagreeing Well