Lesson 09 · 1:18
The Long Devotion
Most advice is about beginnings.
Step two
Do tonight’s exercise
The video was step one. Step two is one small exercise that you do in real life. A free account saves your progress, and you do not need a card.
Start free practiceRead the exercises first →Practise it
Tonight's exercise is waiting.
It is free, and it takes a few minutes. The 10 exercises behind this video are Gold.
Go to TonightSee the ten →Chapters · 4
Lesson 09 · 1:18
The Long Devotion
Most advice is about beginnings. This lesson is about keeping someone who already chose you interested. You learn three moves, and how keeping a relationship healthy differs from trying to stop someone leaving.
The finding
New and slightly difficult beats pleasant and familiar
Long-term couples are nearly always told to make time for each other. That advice was tested. The comparison was not time together against no time. It was pleasant, familiar activities against new and slightly demanding ones.
A survey, a door-to-door study and three experiments found that couples who did new and exciting activities together reported a better relationship. The link was explained by how bored they were with the relationship.
What to do
Bring the new experiences yourself
Do not plan a bigger version of what you already do together. Choose something neither of you has done, and keep it small enough to happen this month. New experiences together made the difference in the studies. Relaxing together did not.
A survey, a door-to-door study and three experiments found the same thing. Couples who did new and exciting activities together reported a better relationship. The link was explained by how bored they were with the relationship.
Do this todayChoose one thing to do this month that neither of you has done before.
Step 1
Notice one thing out loud
Tell them one specific thing you noticed about them today. Make it an observation, not a compliment. Talk about what they did, not what they are.
Praise is common and easy. Being noticed is rare, and it is the first thing people miss when attention starts to fade.
What to do
Describe what they did, do not judge who they are
“You were kind to that man on the phone” is an observation. “You are such a kind person” is a judgement. A person can earn a judgement once and then rely on it. You have to find a new observation each time, and that is what makes it valuable.
Researchers call it perceived responsiveness: the feeling that someone pays attention to who you really are and values it. It is the main idea behind research on closeness in relationships, and it is linked to people's well-being.
Do this todaySay one observation out loud before you go to sleep.
Step 2
Ask something you have never asked
Find one question that you have never asked them in all your time together. Most long-term partners have large parts of each other's lives that nobody asks about.
Knowing someone's habits is not the same as knowing them. When you know their routine well, you can stop learning anything new about them without noticing.
What to do
Look for a part of their life, not for a clever question
It is easier to find an unexplored part of their life first: their childhood, a job they nearly took, what they were afraid of at twenty. Let the question come from there. If you search for a clever question, you get an interview. If you search for something you do not know, you get a conversation.
Pairs of strangers answered 36 questions that became more personal as they went on. Afterwards they felt closer than pairs who made small talk.
Limits of the study: The authors say clearly that the method was designed to create closeness in a lab, not to make people fall in love. It was also tested with strangers, not long-term partners.
Do this todayTonight, ask them one question you have never asked before.
Step 3
Come back within twenty minutes
After an argument, come back within twenty minutes and say one sentence. It does not need to solve anything, and it is better if it does not try.
The silence afterwards does the damage, not the disagreement. An argument that you repair quickly is just something that happened. The same argument left alone for a day becomes part of how you both see the relationship.
What to do
One sentence, not a full agreement
“I hated that” works, and so does “I am still annoyed, and I am here.” Coming back is the step. Reaching agreement is a separate job, and it can wait until neither of you is defending yourself.
A study observed newly married couples. When one partner made a small everyday request for attention and the other responded, the couple showed more positive feeling and more humour when they later discussed a conflict.
Limits of the study: The study observed a small sample of newlyweds and found a link, not a cause. The twenty minutes is our number, not theirs. Several widely quoted percentages in this area come from popular books, not from the paper.
Do this todayNext time you argue, come back within twenty minutes.
Important
This keeps a relationship healthy. It does not change someone's mind.
None of this will keep someone who has decided to leave, and it is not meant to. Attention, new experiences and quick repair are what a relationship needs while both people want it. They are not a way to change an answer that has already been given.
The test is your own reason for doing it, so be honest with yourself. If you tell them what you noticed this week because you want them to feel noticed, that is the exercise. If you do it because you are afraid they are leaving, they can tell, and it feels like being watched, not being cared for.
If that is what is happening, start with the last exercise of the topic, not the first. Ask them what you do that they would like you to do less, and do not defend yourself when they answer.
Your note
Private to you, always
That was step one
Step two is one small exercise that you do in real life tonight. Step three takes ninety seconds: you note how it went. A free account saves your progress.
Start free practiceSource note
Where this comes from
The three steps are exercises 01, 03 and 06 of Topic 06, and they carry the same evidence. Two limits come with them, and we state them above. Aron's 36 questions were tested with strangers in a lab and were designed to create closeness, not love. The study of newlyweds behind quick repair found a link in a small sample, not a cause. The twenty-minute number is ours. The opening finding comes from Aron et al. (2000), which compared new and exciting activities with pleasant and familiar ones. That is why the usual advice to make time for each other is not quite what the evidence supports.
Step two
Do tonight’s exercise
The video was step one. Step two is one small exercise that you do in real life. A free account saves your progress, and you do not need a card.
Start free practiceRead the exercises first →Practise it
Tonight's exercise is waiting.
It is free, and it takes a few minutes. The 10 exercises behind this video are Gold.
Go to TonightSee the ten →Chapters
Source note
Where this comes from
The three steps are exercises 01, 03 and 06 of Topic 06, and they carry the same evidence. Two limits come with them, and we state them above. Aron's 36 questions were tested with strangers in a lab and were designed to create closeness, not love. The study of newlyweds behind quick repair found a link in a small sample, not a cause. The twenty-minute number is ours. The opening finding comes from Aron et al. (2000), which compared new and exciting activities with pleasant and familiar ones. That is why the usual advice to make time for each other is not quite what the evidence supports.