Playing

The spilled coffee, and the half people leave out

A competent performer who spilled a cup of coffee over himself was rated as more attractive than the same performer without the spill.

The same spill made a mediocre performer less attractive. Almost every retelling leaves that half out, and it is the half that decides whether the advice applies to you.

What to do

Show you are capable first, then stop hiding your flaws

A flaw works as a relief from your competence, not as a replacement for it. So the useful advice is not “make mistakes”. It is “stop hiding the mistakes you already make”.

A competent person who spilled a cup of coffee was rated as more attractive than the same person without the spill. The same spill made a mediocre person less attractive.

Limits of the study: This was one small experiment from 1966. It used recorded quiz performances and only male participants. The direction of the result is famous, but the effect depends on the situation, and attempts to repeat it have had mixed results.

Step 1

Tease them about something they like in themselves. Never tease them about something they keep quiet about.

The same sentence can be affectionate or hurtful, depending only on what it is aimed at. They know which one you chose.

What to do

Joke about the situation until you know them

People only understand teasing correctly when they know you. So with a stranger, joke about the queue, the weather, or the situation you are both stuck in. The situation is safe ground. The person is not safe ground yet.

Researchers describe teasing as deliberately unclear: it is an insult delivered with signals that it is not meant seriously. Its effect depends a lot on the relationship and on the difference in status between the two people.

Limits of the study: This is a review of a large body of research, not a single experiment.

Step 2

Mention something they said earlier, an hour later or a week later.

Bringing it up again proves that you were listening, and it arrives as a joke and not as a claim. Almost nobody does this, and that is why it works.

What to do

Bring back the detail, not the subject

Bring back the specific thing: the name of the dog, the terrible flat, the boss's favourite phrase. Do not bring back the general subject. The specific detail is the proof that you listened.

This is our own view. It is the callback from Topic 02, used across a longer time. We have no study for it.

Step 3

It is hard to feel comfortable next to someone perfect.

If a joke does not work, let it go. Do not try a second version, and do not explain it. The explanation is the only truly awkward part. The joke that failed was already finished.

What to do

Nobody noticed as much as you did

People greatly overestimate how much others notice their mistakes. The failed joke that you are still thinking about at midnight was only one sentence to everyone else.

In a series of experiments, people greatly overestimated how much others noticed their appearance and their mistakes. Observers remembered much less than the person assumed.

Limits of the study: The studies used embarrassing T-shirts and lab tasks, not jokes.

Teasing is unclear on purpose. That is the research finding, and we are not softening it. Teasing is an insult wrapped in signals that say it is not an insult. The person it is aimed at decides whether it is affection or aggression. Your intention does not decide it.

So do not watch for whether it was funny. Watch for whether they are still playing. If one person has stopped and the other continues, it is no longer play, and everyone in the room can tell.

One more thing before you make a joke: ask who it is at the expense of. If the answer is someone standing there, the laugh is not worth it, and the people who laugh will remember who it was aimed at.