Lesson 16 · 1:05
Ending It Well
People remember the best moment and the ending of an evening, and forget how long it lasted.
Step two
Do tonight’s exercise
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Lesson 16 · 1:05
Ending It Well
People remember the best moment and the ending of an evening, and forget how long it lasted. You learn three endings worth getting right, and the kind lie that spoils them.
The best moment and the ending
People forget how long it lasted, and remember how it ended
When people look back on an experience, they mostly remember its strongest moment and how it ended. How long it lasted hardly matters.
So people do not remember an evening as an average of all its moments. They remember its best moment and its last one.
What to do
Decide how the last two minutes will go
You cannot choose the best moment, but the ending is completely yours: who ends it, when, and on what note. It is the one part of a social occasion that you fully control, and the one part nobody plans.
When people look back on an experience, they mostly remember its strongest moment and how it ended. How long it lasted hardly matters.
Limits of the study: The studies used episodes of pain and pleasure in a lab, not conversations. We are borrowing the direction of the result.
Do this todayDecide in advance how tonight's conversation will end.
Step 1
Leave while it is still good
Be the person who ends the conversation, and end it a few minutes before you need to.
Nobody remembers how long a conversation was. Everyone remembers the last two minutes.
What to do
Say that you are leaving, do not drift away
Mention what you enjoyed, say that you are going, and go. When you say that you are leaving, it sounds like a compliment. When you drift away, it feels like a judgement, and they will invent the reason themselves.
The end of an experience counted for much more than its share when people judged the whole of it afterwards.
Limits of the study: The studies used lab experiences, not conversations.
Do this todayEnd one conversation a few minutes before you need to.
Step 2
Say no in one sentence
Say no in one sentence, and do not add an invented reason.
An excuse turns a no into a negotiation. People can argue with a reason. They cannot argue with a no.
What to do
Saying no is harder than the asker realises
The research looks at it from the other side. It shows how much people underestimate the pressure their request puts on someone. For the person refusing, it means the same thing. A clear no is not rude. It is what makes it safe for people to ask you again.
Research on requests shows that people underestimate how hard it is for others to refuse them. More people say yes than the askers predict, partly because saying no is more uncomfortable than the asker imagines.
Limits of the study: The review is about how askers underestimate this. Using it as advice for the person who refuses is our own step.
Do this todayThis week, say no to one thing in a single sentence.
Step 3
Never turn a no into a maybe
If your answer is no, do not say “maybe” or “another time” unless you mean both.
A soft no feels kind for ten seconds and unkind for two weeks, because it leaves them hoping.
What to do
Also accept a way out when someone offers you one
The same courtesy applies the other way round. When someone offers you a polite way out of a plan, take it, and do not test whether they meant it. Most people offer a way out with care. If you make them offer twice, you may not be invited next time.
This is our own view. It follows the same principle as offering an easy way out in Topic 04: the kindness comes from being clear, not from being soft.
Do this todayTake one “maybe” that you have left unanswered and turn it into a clear answer.
Important
Give the true reason, or none
Never invent a kinder reason. People always find out an invented reason in the end. At that point your kindness looks like contempt, because it shows you decided what they could cope with.
You are allowed to give no reason, and it is often better. “I don't want to, and I'm sorry” is a complete sentence. It shows more respect than a story designed to be easy to accept.
After you end something, do not go back to check how they took it. That makes your discomfort their job. If you need reassurance about a decision you made, that is yours to handle. The Rejection Room is built on the same finding.
Your note
Private to you, always
That was step one
Step two is one small exercise that you do in real life tonight. Step three takes ninety seconds: you note how it went. A free account saves your progress.
Start free practiceSource note
Where this comes from
The finding about the best moment and the ending comes from Fredrickson and Kahneman (1993). They studied episodes of pain and pleasure in a lab, not conversations. Applying it to social occasions is our own step, and we say so. Bohns (2016) is a review of how askers underestimate how often people say yes. Using it as advice for the person who refuses is our own step, and the topic page says so. The warning about checking afterwards comes from Rachman et al., who studied replaying events in your mind and not sending messages. The rule about giving the true reason has no study behind it. It is the position we take everywhere else too.
Step two
Do tonight’s exercise
The video was step one. Step two is one small exercise that you do in real life. A free account saves your progress, and you do not need a card.
Start free practiceRead the exercises first →Practise it
Tonight's exercise is waiting.
It is free, and it takes a few minutes. The 10 exercises behind this video are Gold.
Go to TonightSee the ten →Chapters
Source note
Where this comes from
The finding about the best moment and the ending comes from Fredrickson and Kahneman (1993). They studied episodes of pain and pleasure in a lab, not conversations. Applying it to social occasions is our own step, and we say so. Bohns (2016) is a review of how askers underestimate how often people say yes. Using it as advice for the person who refuses is our own step, and the topic page says so. The warning about checking afterwards comes from Rachman et al., who studied replaying events in your mind and not sending messages. The rule about giving the true reason has no study behind it. It is the position we take everywhere else too.