A Room of People

The gap

After conversations between strangers, people regularly underestimated how much the other person liked them and enjoyed their company. Several studies found the same thing.

In one study of people who had just met, the gap lasted for months. It did not close as they got to know each other.

What to do

Raise your estimate, then act on it

After each conversation, take your own judgement of how it went and raise it before you decide anything. The error happens every time, so you can correct for it in advance, the way you would correct a set of scales that you knew showed too little.

After conversations between strangers, people regularly underestimated how much the other person liked them and enjoyed their company. This is called the liking gap. In a study of people who had just met, it lasted for months.

Step 1

They are the easiest person in the room to talk to, and the most pleased to be spoken to.

It is also the kind thing to do, and the useful reason and the kind reason are connected.

What to do

Arrive early enough to find one

In the first twenty minutes, most people in a room are alone, because the groups have not formed yet. Later, the room is mostly closed groups with one person at the edge. You can manage both. The first is easier, and it depends only on when you arrive.

In nine experiments with more than 800 commuters, people who were told to talk to a stranger enjoyed the journey more than people who sat alone. Another group had predicted the opposite.

Limits of the study: The study was done on trains and buses in Chicago, not at parties.

Step 2

Join a group by asking what they are talking about.

A question asks permission. An opinion interrupts whoever was speaking, and that is a bad first impression to make on four people at once.

What to do

Then ask a follow-up question

The first question gets you into the group. The second question, about the answer you were given, turns an interruption into a conversation. This works the same way as Topic 02, with a group in place of one person.

Asking questions, and follow-up questions most of all, made people more liked by the person they were talking to, in chat studies and in a real speed-dating study.

Step 3

When a subject reaches its polite end, ask a deeper question about it. Do not change the subject.

In about a dozen experiments, people expected deep conversations with strangers to be more awkward and less enjoyable than they turned out to be. They chose shallower subjects than would have been good for them.

What to do

Ask a deeper question about the same subject

Do not bring in a new and heavier subject. Stay on the same one and go one level down. If they mention their job, ask what they expected to be doing instead. Most of the awkwardness people avoid is only in their expectation, and that is what the research found.

In about a dozen experiments, people expected deep conversations with strangers to be more awkward and less enjoyable than they turned out to be. They chose shallower subjects than would have been good for them.

End conversations out loud. Mention something they said that you liked, say you are going to get a drink, and go. It takes one sentence, and it sounds like a compliment.

Most people escape. They drift away, look at their phone, or suddenly need the bathroom. The other person always notices, and invents their own reason for it.

This is also why people avoid starting. They are not afraid of the conversation. They are afraid of being stuck in it. When you know how to leave, approaching someone costs you little.