Lesson 13 · 1:16
A Room of People
A room is not an audience, and treating it as one is what makes it frightening.
Practise it
Tonight's exercise is waiting.
It is free, and it takes a few minutes. The 10 exercises behind this video are Gold.
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Lesson 13 · 1:16
A Room of People
A room is not an audience, and treating it as one is what makes it frightening. It is six or seven separate conversations that have not met you yet. Here is the measured reason you leave good ones believing you failed, three ways into a group, and the exit nobody teaches.
The gap
They liked you more than you think, and it is measurable
After conversations between strangers, people consistently underestimated how much their partner liked them and enjoyed their company. The effect held across several studies.
In one study of new acquaintances it persisted for months — the gap did not close as they got to know each other.
The move
Adjust the number, then act on it
After each conversation, take your reading of how it went and revise it upward before you decide anything. The error is systematic rather than occasional, which means it can be corrected for in advance — the same way you would correct a scale you knew ran light.
After conversations between strangers, people consistently underestimated how much their partner liked them and enjoyed their company — the liking gap — and in a study of new acquaintances it persisted for months.
Do this todayRevise tonight's reading of how it went upward, then act on the revised one.
Move one
Go to the person standing on their own
They are the easiest conversation in the room and the most glad of it.
It is also the kind thing to do, which is not a separate consideration from the useful thing.
The move
Arrive early enough that there is one
In the first twenty minutes a room is mostly people on their own, because the groups have not formed yet. Later it is mostly closed circles and one person at the edge. Both are workable; the first is easier, and it is entirely a matter of when you walk in.
In nine experiments with more than 800 commuters, those randomly assigned to talk to a stranger reported a more positive journey than those who sat in solitude — while a separate group predicted precisely the opposite.
Limits — Trains and buses in Chicago, not parties.
Do this todayFind the one person on their own, and talk to them.
Move two
Join with a question, not an opinion
Enter a group by asking what they are talking about.
A question asks permission. An opinion takes the floor from whoever had it, which is a poor first impression to make on four people at once.
The move
Then let the follow-up do the work
The opening question gets you in; the second one — about the answer you were given — is what makes it a conversation rather than an interruption. This is the same mechanism as Topic 02, aimed at a group instead of a person.
Asking questions — follow-up questions in particular — increased how much conversation partners liked the asker, across chat studies and a speed-dating field study.
Do this todayJoin one group by asking what they are talking about.
Move three
Say the second sentence
When a subject reaches its polite end, ask the deeper version of it instead of changing the subject.
Across a dozen experiments, people expected deep conversations with strangers to be more awkward and less enjoyable than they turned out to be, and chose shallower topics than would have served them.
The move
The deeper version of what is already there
Not a new and heavier subject — the same one, one layer down. They mention the job; you ask what they thought they would be doing instead. The awkwardness people are avoiding is mostly in the anticipation, which is the finding.
Across a dozen experiments, people expected deep conversations with strangers to be more awkward and less enjoyable than they proved to be, and consistently chose shallower topics than would have served them.
Do this todayOne conversation tonight that goes past its polite end.
The other half
Learn to leave
End conversations out loud: name the thing they said that you liked, say you are going to find a drink, and go. It takes one sentence and it reads as a compliment.
Most people escape instead — the drift, the phone, the sudden need for the bathroom. The other person always notices, and supplies their own reason for it.
This is also why people avoid starting: the fear is not of the conversation, it is of being unable to get out of one. An exit you know you can use is what makes the approach cheap.
Your note
Private to you, always
Source note
Where this comes from
The liking gap is Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom and Clark (2018), across five studies including one that followed new acquaintances for months. The stranger finding is Epley and Schroeder's commuter experiments, which were run on trains and buses rather than at parties. The question finding is Huang et al.; the deep-conversation one is Kardas, Kumar and Epley. The exercises this film draws on also cite Mehl et al. on substantive conversation and Sandstrom and Dunn on weak ties, both correlational and both labelled as such on the topic page. The advice about leaving is ours, and has no study behind it.
Practise it
Tonight's exercise is waiting.
It is free, and it takes a few minutes. The 10 exercises behind this video are Gold.
Go to TonightSee the ten →Chapters
Source note
Where this comes from
The liking gap is Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom and Clark (2018), across five studies including one that followed new acquaintances for months. The stranger finding is Epley and Schroeder's commuter experiments, which were run on trains and buses rather than at parties. The question finding is Huang et al.; the deep-conversation one is Kardas, Kumar and Epley. The exercises this film draws on also cite Mehl et al. on substantive conversation and Sandstrom and Dunn on weak ties, both correlational and both labelled as such on the topic page. The advice about leaving is ours, and has no study behind it.